Patience and the Healing Process

[MakersDozn]

We get very impatient with ourselves about our healing process. We want to heal, and we want to heal now.

Of course, instantaneous (or even speedy) healing isn't possible, and we know this intellectually. But we still want it, for a number of reasons. First of all, there are those of us who experience life as children, or at least as older folks with childlike feelings. And we haven't resolved those feelings.

Secondly, we want the pain to stop. Thirdly, we want as much time as possible on this earth living a life free of this pain. So the longer it takes us to heal, the smaller a percentage of our life will be (relatively) pain-free.

How do you deal with experiencing impatience in your healing process? Have you gained any insight as to what causes you to experience difficulty? What healthy coping strategies do you have?

We blog, we post in forums, and we go to T. Our biggest challenge is the tendency to isolate excessively. But we try to look for ways to do things differently, even in the smallest ways, when we come to terms with a belief or an approach that hasn't worked for us. We know that we cannot keep indulging in the same unhelpful behaviors while expecting different results.

It takes time to change and grow. We know that we are often impatient, and we try to accept this part of our nature, while at the same time not using it as an excuse. One step at a time, one moment at a time.

Charity, Mary, Allegra, and others

[Cammy]

Living with the pain. Some days we feel like that is all there is for us - pain. But we have noticed that over time with new insights and revelations, that the pain has diminished to more manageable levels. There is not, I believe any special technique or trick to lessening this hurt, other than time and the hope that as we work through the horrible memories when they occur, that we will come out better and stronger on the other side. One thing that has been important for us is to stop putting our life on hold waiting for things to get better. We have found that forging ahead to reach for those goals that we want for ourselves, and finally attaining them, helps. Living in suspended animation is not living at all. For us, we finally got fed up with waiting, and just took huge leaps of faith and just started doing the things we dreamed of always wanting to do. Being busy attaining our previously seemingly unreachable goals, is also wonderful for the impatient part of us that wants things to get better NOW. It is like a distraction useful also in that it is allowing our lives to move forward in a constructive fashion DESPITE the pain.

This is how we have learned to manage this. The sad reality is that pain may well always be with us, but time can and does help us bring the changes needed to heal. Keeping our life moving ahead seems to help us a great deal.

[nats]

seconding Igraine here. we also got tired of putting life on hold for healing and decided that raising a child and achieving other life goals were more important to us than addressing our deep-seated pain in T. not that dealing with our issues isn't important or that they should be ignored or denied, but that we weren't willing to make healing the focus of our life and our identity while everything else passed us by. this choice was also because we didn't feel we were getting anywhere in T and were just wasting time and money. we'd rather spend that on things where we can see progress - so, patience is not a strong point.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you both. We're not putting anything in particular on hold. But we do struggle with the issue of how little time we have left. The irony is that the more time we spend worrying about this, the less and less time we have.

MDs

[FreyasSpirit]

In the past, we have alternated periods of healing and periods of just living and enjoying the healing we have done. Sometimes, we are in pain and have a strong desire to heal and actively work on healing. When we have healed enough or when time has passed, that particular pain fades into the background and often we just don't focus on healing for a while, but rather building our life.

We know there is more pain, possibly even the same pain and we will have to deal with it when it comes up, but at that moment, we are able to live. We know that when the pain comes up, we may have to put other parts of our life on hold so try not to commit to anything which cannot be dropped if we have to curl up in bed to process things. It is frustrating that we are broken and have to limit ourselves so much, but we have built our life to work around that.

We are not sure how accurate this actually is, but on a first pass, it feels like the times we get impatient and want to heal are the times when our pain is directly impacting our life in noticeable ways. We want to try to find the sources of pain which are directly affecting us and resolve them so we can move on. Often, the background pain is just something which is there which we can work around and a lot of the deeper stuff has been put into this category. The last time we tried to actively find sources of anxiety for weeks, we believe not being able to find the sources of anxiety was a source of anxiety. We ended up releasing that, taking more time for ourselves and just letting time pass. Sometimes that is really all we can do, curl up in bed and do as little as possible for a week and just let time pass.

[MakersDozn]

We agree, FreyasSpirit. The last few years have been very difficult, first caring for our father, and then dealing with his loss. We have been in crisis mode for over five years, and we need to move forward. We need to balance what we can bring forward with what we need to let go.

If we can let go of little things, little behaviors and choices that don't contribute to our well-being, then it will be a good start. Little steps, taken patiently.

MDs

[The People]

I hate to always bring up our book but it has been an amazing tool with regards to helping us see the miles we have travelled. No the pain is not gone. This is the hardest October in a long time. But when I write about Octobers back in the day I know it is better. That I am better.

Friends were supposed to come over today to help me hang curtains. I panicked so I told them my stomach was bad. That part was true but the rest was fear of them coming into my home and judging it. They are such good people. He and I are both ENFP so share a lot of common values etc. They don't judge. And they owed me for pet sitting.

So I texted back and they came. The curtains are up and she even agreed with me that the wrinkles would come out on their own. Well, I agreed with her. I couldn't find a pat to the new chair until after they left so they will come back for that next weekend.

This is HUGE for me. Asking for the help to begin with and then allowing them into my place.

Pain free? Not by a long shot. But compared to pre T pain? A caber toss.

[MakersDozn]

Congrats on the step forward. And well done for having your friends come after all.

MDs