Interesting T session

[Tangled Web]

We saw T today and had some questions for her.
The thing that was brought up and realized after talking with her was we have the walls in place to protect us from the feelings. Feelings of hurt and pain mostly. Then there was a connection or something I don't know how to explain it. T started talking about figuring out ways to take those walls down slowly so we don't get overwhelmed and sit in the emotions so we can process them. Her words were sinking in and I was understanding what she was saying BUT then this thought came to me.......the system was created to protect us and help us survive with different people being formed--the walls are a BIG part of that. If we try to take down the walls from the feelings, doesn't that mean we would be destroying the very thing that help us survive? It feels like we would be destroying the whole system and how it works. I know there is a lot more to it than this but that is where the thoughts are going right now and it doesn't feel right. Does this make sense? And right now I hit a wall as I write this. There is a question here somewhere but I don't know what it is........

[The People]

I understand what you are saying. We worry so much that work = Two and others going away. But maybe instead of taking down the walls you can put in doors and windows?

As for the feelings, I remember being told that the feelings were the last thing to come when we work through all of the crap that pigs wouldn't roll in - the 4 legged kind. And I am finding this to be true. There was always anger but it was protection. There was always fear but it was old fear. Occasionally now we have the feelings behind the feelings.

[cew]

Doors and windows are a wonderful image! The idea of parts seeing each other and finding ways to relate seems good.

[orek]

"...the system was created to protect us and help us survive with different people being formed--the walls are a BIG part of that. If we try to take down the walls from the feelings, doesn't that mean we would be destroying the very thing that help us survive? It feels like we would be destroying the whole system and how it works. ..."

I'm glad you felt you connected with your T! And she is listening and respecting your walls and their purposes. Hurrah for connections in therapy. That was brave to talk to her about it. We are experiencing walls with this "new" (not yet a year) T but find it hard to be vulnerable enough to even talk to her... well, hard for upfonters, anyway. I think we're still stuck on that "T is younger than us" issue, in part.

Yes, the system WAS created to protect you--from the abuse as it was happening. But it's not happening now. It also protects you all from knowing what each other went through. But that defense isn't as functional now, or else we all wouldn't be seeking therapy and/or other help. Plus, it keeps each of us strangers to our own whole self and our own history. So, slowly dismantling the walls will allow gradual integration of the experiences and feelings held by all, so all can heal. Otherwise those holding the abuse experiences and feelings stay stuck in the abuse horror, and those removed from it all by the walls (like our upfronters and many top circlers) continue to try to function as "normal" to the world while the weight and intrusion of all that abuse history continues to drag us down and make it hard to find peace.

I know that's an overview and doesn't address the nitty gritty panic around letting go of the defenses. And knowing all that doesn't make it bang zoom easy to do. But it does help (us, anyway) to remember that it's okay now to let go, ever so slowly and with good support, of the things that keep parts stuck in past nightmares. I don't want to leave anyone back there. And all the parts will heal, not die, with the integration of all those feelings and experiences. They will stop carrying it around for those of us protected from it all on the other side of those walls. We can face it all together. .... Of course, they are saying I'm full of shite because I resist, too. But still, it's the idea, right? And it's not easy, or fast. But it's a start. *sigh*

[Tangled Web]

This is all feels too confusing to us. If we take down the walls the castle will crumble........will we then crumble beneath it? How would that be surviving?
Even present day hurt and pain are separated from us so it just doesn't contain to the past. Rarely do we ever feel and think at the same time. It has always been separate from us. Maybe the feelings aren't separated from us because we can't handle it......we don't any other way.
Windows and doors might be option but it doesn't feel like a possibility. All I can see inside my head is this huge solid brick wall and I just stand there staring at it...............

[MakersDozn]

Great post, orek. We struggle with some of these issues and needed to hear what you said.

And we identify with some of the feelings that you mentioned, TW. Our variation on the fear of "crumbling" is the fear of disappearing as healing progresses. We have to remind ourselves that we control who we become.

MDs