Another day of struggling

[Blue]

Yo Igraine. Sorry i haven't replied sooner. Had some issues to resolve. You are welcome. We were on 30mgs Diazepam/ Valium for over a year. We cut down 2mgs every week or two. Doing it that slow we didn't really feel it at first. It wasn't til we got down to 10mgs that we started to feel it. We too have come off opiates before. The worst thing with valium is coping with the anxiety after it's been withdrawn, we found. If ya can get ya head around that bit ya half way there. ANyway, like i said, we are here for ya. Hope things aren't too bad for ya.
Blue.

[Cammy]

Thanks Blue. You are a super comfort. You make me feel like I can beat this thing. Thanks.

[Blue]

Ya welcome Igraine. Any time. An ya can beat this thing. I have faith in you.

[Cammy]

Struggling with this benzo issue has caused all my others to totally go silent. So silent I wonder if I'm integrated. Crisis pulls me together or puts me into hibernation...I don't know which. This may sound strange, but I feel so isolated like I belong nowhere. I don't belong here right now. I am ONE right now. It's heartbreaking. I've never felt so alien or isolated. It's just me...alone...my inner world has disappeared into the agony of benzo withdrawal and I know that I will never be the same again. I've never felt this lost or alone.

[Blue]

Sorry to hear that you're feelin so alone Igraine. But know that your system will return to normal for you soon. It certainly won't take a year. Far from it. Know that you are not alone on this. We are sittin with ya. Anytime ya need to vent, we are here. You may FEEL that you are one right now but know that the others will return. I have gone into hibernation before where i just stayed inside all the time, but i was still there and always will be, i hope! You can and will get through this. I have faith in you. Keep strong.
Blue.

[Blue]

(05-01-2013, 05:24 PM)Igraine Wrote: Work stuff: The other day I had a defining moment at work. A coworker was showing me where stuff was kept...we walked all over an area the size of a football field for him to show me. This, after I asked if we could sit down for 5 minutes and help me draw a map so I'd know exactly where to go every time. No, he had to show me (for the second time). Picture me in severe pain, having a lot of trouble walking at this point, and picture buddy who is leading me looking over his shoulder at my struggles and then deliberately doubling the pace to almost a run with a kind of sadistic leer on his face. This image of deliberate cruelty is burned into my brain and I've been PTSDing the image over and over and over again for the last 24 hours. I just can't get it to stop. Eventually it will, but right now it is grotesque. Over and over I see the look of pleasure as he watches me limping to keep up, and his smile widens as he starts going faster and faster. Well...now he's going to spend the next 21 straight days working for that bit of inconsiderate nastiness because that was it for me. I quit and he has no replacement. Maybe he should of thought of that. I do not allow any kind of abuse in my life where I can possibly help it. I do believe that I've had a sufficient amount, thanks all the same, or I wouldn't be what I am today. At least now, as an adult I have some control over what happens to me in terms of abuse. I find that I am sensitive to even the smallest amount of it. Maybe things that others wouldn't even view as abusive or as just mildly abusive, definitely set me off. This set me off...triggered something...enough to turn the whole thing into a visual möbius loop that is going to take me days to lose now.

Yo Igraine. I hear you on this about not lettin any kind of abuse through. The slightest inkling of any kind of abuse and i blow up! Especially if the abuse is toward our host. She is quite weak and vulnerable so any signs of abuse and i jump right in.

I realise your post was quite a while ago now. I hope your work situation has improved. Hopefully you're now in a better place.
Blue.

[Cammy]

01 sept 2013: I am still One right now. The silence inside is eerie because it is unfamiliar. And THIS integrated state is what many multiples view as the holy grail? Forget it...it is not for me. I want my multi-mind back. However, if I have to stay like this, then I shall adapt...one thing I do know is how to be adaptable. That's how I became DID in the first place.

[nats]

(09-02-2013, 01:16 AM)Igraine Wrote: ...And THIS integrated state is what many multiples view as the holy grail? Forget it...it is not for me. ...

so true!