could be triggering

[jamdjohnson]

about me and int*gration

I int*grated a few years ago. Had over 70 parts. Feeling very isolated and dont know what to do or where I fit in. I didn't come here for the longest time because I was afraid I wouldnt be accepted cuz I'm not really DID anymore. But I dont feel like I fit in the world of "onesies" either. I feel really out of place where ever I go. Hard to adjust and feel like I'm not adjusting at all. No one to talk to. lonley. I don't know what to do. I thought being int*grated was the end goal of treatment. That I would feel better or be all better. And I feel sad and alone. I'm a therapist myself now. I have 120 clients. Overwhelmed and dont know how to deal with it all. Now clients look to me to have all the answers and I still feel br*ken even though I'm supposed to be "all better." It isn't what I expected. I hoped things would be easier.
jamie:

[Cammy]

Hi Jamd. Igraine here. Sometimes I've gone for years pretty much as ONE. Those years still carried with them all the trauma, thinking and behavior patterns, difficulties in 'connecting' with people, and all other manner of psychopathology. I'm a psychology student now. For me it's about a really strong need to be in a helping role. Somehow it helps me take all this psychopathology and put it to good use in terms of empathy and sincere understanding. Perhaps you have felt a similar thing. The fact that your clients look to you for help and the fact that you feel messed up inside doesn't mean that you have to feel like a hypocrite or a fake. It means that you can probably relate much better to where your clients are coming from than someone who has learned their craft strictly from school and textbooks. Don't underestimate the truly significant impact that your own personal state of mind plays when it comes to assisting others with their own psychological issues. You have the expertise of having the experience, and this makes a huge difference between a so-so therapist and a really great, caring, empathetic one.

As for hoping that your 'oneness' would change everything and then finding out that it didn't, leaving you feeling more isolated than ever, this is a tougher issue. For one thing, integrated or not, you will always be a multiple having known what it means to live in that state of being. You will always 'belong' here, if you choose to. Have you asked yourself how much of your isolation is a learned state of mind? All DIDs seem to struggle with that issue. Now that you're integrated perhaps your thinking patterns and behavior are still reflecting the only way you've known how to be for a long time. No matter what state I've been in, I have always felt isolated...that feature has always been a constant for me. A little while ago I came to the realization that there was always going to be SOMETHING wrong with me, and I was going to stop putting myself on hold while things were made right. I decided that I would just pick up whatever it is that I have to work with at the moment and slowly start moving forward bit by bit. Waiting to get better hasn't worked for me yet and I've been waiting for decades. I am not like 'normal' people and I never will be. For me that realization was somewhat liberating. Now, instead of dwelling on how 'different' I am, I am trying to find ways to turn being different into a facility rather than a disability. It will take time, but because it is the direction I have myself pointed in, that's where I'll be moving. Yes, M-o-v-I-n-g...finally.

Hang in there. I think you're still in the process of finding your land legs after being so long at sea. This forum, will be here whenever you need us. You may also want to search the net and see if there are special support groups for integrated DIDs. This would be an invaluable resource as these people would totally be able to relate to and help you with this major transition.

[nats]

hi Jamd, don't think we can say anything better than Igraine did. your feelings make sense and of course you are welcome here. there may not actually be an endpoint to this healing process. each of us may just reach a state where we feel things are good enough.

[jamdjohnson]

Thank you so much Igraine and Nats. I really needed to hear that. I feel really lost right now and I think I do focus too much on how different I am. Different is who I am and that is okay. I think my job is very difficult also because I'm not working with who I want to help. Right now I work with people who do this kind of stuff to other people. Its hard to be empathetic with people who purposely hurt others. I much rather work with v*ctims to heal and stay safe.

[jamdjohnson]

I am also glad to know I am welcome here even if I am not in my "seperate parts" now. I'm still a survivor who was DID and always will be.

[Cammy]

I totally sympathize with what you have to deal with in terms of your clientele. I don't think I would be able to handle working with the perpetrators. Like you, it is the survivors who I feel the strongest pull toward. I can see how stressful and how much self control and energy it would take for you to get through your work day. It must also be powerfully triggering for you at times. Empathy can only take you so far when personal experience is giving you a 'visceral' perspective on the situation. You must be an incredibly strong individual to wade through your daily schedule. I hope that somehow you get a chance to find an opportunity to work with the clients that are closest to your own interests and aptitudes. Don't stop looking for this chance. It will be well worth the search.

[nats]

hi jamd, that does sound hard. working with perpetrators takes a special kind of self-control and courage. it's also extremely important in trying to prevent the creation of new victims and survivors. prevention is still better than cure. definitely difficult and underappreciated work though.

[jamdjohnson]

I don't like admitting I get triggered by them but I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Its really hard and I want to look for a different job.

[Cammy]

Honestly, I think that would be the best thing for you to do. I don't know how hard it will be to find the right situation for yourself, but if you stay where you are you are going to keep being personally harmed, probably on a daily basis. Removing yourself to a job that is a better match might make a big difference in how you're feeling. It's important you take care of yourself first and foremost.

[nats]

(04-14-2013, 03:05 PM)Igraine Wrote: ..Removing yourself to a job that is a better match might make a big difference in how you're feeling. It's important you take care of yourself first and foremost.

agreed.