Having a voice

[Emma19]

Hi,
I just wanted to share something here concerning my healing journey....
Spoiling for a few triggers words.....
.
.
.
.
A few years ago at one of my stronger places I found myself wanting two things. One was to have a voice and really be heard and to give back in some way for all the good support that helped me get to this point.
So with the help of my T we found a place that I could do both these things safely. Was this and is this easy. No. But it has helped in my growth and self worth.
We took a course to become a se*ual as*ault crisis counselor. This course was given by amazingly compassionate understanding women. After graduating I did volunteer on a R*pe crisis 24 hour hotline. I only did 2 shifts a month maybe 3, because that was about all I could do sensibly.the other aspect of this project of mine was to speak on a survivor panel to then help new students hear from a survivor and understand our feelings which helped them be a better counselor.i have since stopped doing the 24 hour hotline work but have continued to speak at these classes a few times a year.this I know was helpful for those listening but it has been most helpful to me in that I tell our story ,get heard and know that my words are truly met with compassion and by doing this maybe another victim /survivor can be helped.
Tomorrow I am speaking at a class of 22 students. Each time I do this my story comes out different except for the hard core facts which do not change.it is different each time because of my current life experiences and what I bring in with me to the table.i do come home from these speakings really glad we did it but are drained.....
But in the end I feel like I speak for my wonderful inside kids who were silent for so long. I am proud to carry them with me and bring them to a safe place that cares totally about the survivor. That is their life's work ( the people at SACS). I always feel fortunate to be in Their presence. So today I am sorting my thoughts and feelings quietly in preparation. Emma19

[mosaic]

how wonderfully courageous and giving! and what a creative way to have a voice and make a difference.

[nats]

that is really wonderful Emma19.

[Emma19]

Thanks mosaic, it does take much courage but is very worth it. Having my once silent voice is the best therapy for me at this time. That and my continued regular therapy.our heart inside gets hugged when it is really heard.
I am writing my thoughts out now just to help refresh what I need to say tomorrow. I never bring the paper but it helps to prepare. No one is home and it is quiet. The music is helpful.thanks for your kind words. Emma19

[Emma19]

Thank you Nats.

[Emma19]

(10-15-2012, 02:02 PM)Emma19 Wrote: Hi,
I just wanted to share something here concerning my healing journey....
Spoiling for a few triggers words.....
.
.
.
.
A few years ago at one of my stronger places I found myself wanting two things. One was to have a voice and really be heard and to give back in some way for all the good support that helped me get to this point.
So with the help of my T we found a place that I could do both these things safely. Was this and is this easy. No. But it has helped in my growth and self worth.
We took a course to become a se*ual as*ault crisis counselor. This course was given by amazingly compassionate understanding women. After graduating I did volunteer on a R*pe crisis 24 hour hotline. I only did 2 shifts a month maybe 3, because that was about all I could do sensibly.the other aspect of this project of mine was to speak on a survivor panel to then help new students hear from a survivor and understand our feelings which helped them be a better counselor.i have since stopped doing the 24 hour hotline work but have continued to speak at these classes a few times a year.this I know was helpful for those listening but it has been most helpful to me in that I tell our story ,get heard and know that my words are truly met with compassion and by doing this maybe another victim /survivor can be helped.
Tomorrow I am speaking at a class of 22 students. Each time I do this my story comes out different except for the hard core facts which do not change.it is different each time because of my current life experiences and what I bring in with me to the table.i do come home from these speakings really glad we did it but are drained.....
But in the end I feel like I speak for my wonderful inside kids who were silent for so long. I am proud to carry them with me and bring them to a safe place that cares totally about the survivor. That is their life's work ( the people at SACS). I always feel fortunate to be in Their presence. So today I am sorting my thoughts and feelings quietly in preparation. Emma19

Hi
I just wanted to let you know that my talk went well. I was a little more emotional than usual,but my co survivor next to me was very helpful in her gentle support . So we feel like we were able to express what it is like to have survived what we survived,how we did that .i expressed what I need sometimes in crisis. They listened very well. I believe they really heard us. They asked great questions. they seemed like a great group of caring people .i think they will with the rest of their training become good crisis counselors.i am thankful SACS exists and is out there enough that people know they are there...... When we were little a loooong time ago there was nothing out there to turn to. I believe I still would have never told til I was ready which was well into adulthood. But now victim/survivors do have a place to go to if they choose and can do it.so even though it was hard i am glad I could help. Thanks for listening. Take care emma19

[Tangled Web]

I am so glad it went well and I am inspired by the courage you have to do that! That is absolutely amazing!!!!!
GREAT JOB!

[Emma19]

Thank you TW,
There are a couple parts of the story that I share I never think anyone will believe. I am always touched that that is not the case. I do not always share the we are a we...... But I did that night and they understood clearly that that diagnosis is not a negative ,but what we did to survive the awfulness... That helps us inside. There was also a police officer in this class. And even though that felt a bit scary,I was so impressed by his need to learn more and his great compassion.in his day job he can make a difference when he is fully aware of the survivor feels and that we kinda serve a life sentence . All of this makes me believe that maybe justice can happen more often than in the past. Knowledge does make a difference. I hope......

[nats]

hi Emma19, what you're doing sounds really inspiring. makes us wish we could remember enough to do something like this.

[Emma19]

Hi Nats,
I could not have come to this point had I not gone thru my 16 previous years of uninterrupted therapy. The scariest thing for me has always been" telling",in therapy or outside of the safe therapy office. I am so grateful to have had the great support of wonderful therapists. And my a*use history did not come from within my FOO,so I did have great family support once I did slowly tell when I was about 42 years old.
.... Sometimes I thought therapy was harder than what happened to us because in therapy I was feeling those feelings I had been blocking away all my life. Therapy is the hardest thing I have ever done . And finally I got to a point that I could inch outside my self to get to this give back spot. I can' t do it a lot ,but I do what I think I can without draining my emotional supply .
I think we will always be a work in progress. Thanks Nats,emma19