Family

[purpleball]

All these family holidays bother me. Father's day, Mother's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. A couple others I'm probably forgetting right now. I just tell myself I don't like holidays, which is true, but I feel like a big part of it is that I don't have any family. Father's day is a big one, because the host's father exists, but was the whole reason we ended up with DID in the first place. I hate him for it. All these uplifting posts about family just drive me further into seclusion from the world so I don't have to see it. Happy families make me whither up inside in regret for the family I never had. I'm happy for them, I am. But I'm so envious it burns deep down inside me. I want a normal life with a normal family. I want to know where I came from, and have little inside jokes from a childhood I never had. I want a real life with real memories instead of this run-down timeshare of a body. For never being alone, it's ironic that I should feel so lonely. I've been running this over and over in my head for years now, and I can't find any solution. I know that I can't have a family, because I don't really exist either, but I want it so much that a part of me can't let it go.

-P

[The People]

We are where you are. After years we touched base with a few family this year through facebook. The next generation is obviously brainwashed that the old man was sick! We too struggle through the holidays. F Day was harder this year because a new memory that we haven't processed popped up.

We go through long periods of feeling very much alone. It is why we ended up back on meds. We have decided that it is out of our hands. Whether it is sp or whatever we don't have to deal with it. People preach that we have to forgive. I just say "Let Go". It doesn't always work but it is better.

The siblings are easier although I don't say they were right. We were all raised in the same zoo and were taught that the boys could do what they wanted. The sisters could torment us and we never healed the bruises. But none of them had it good. Life in our house was a Friday night movie.

As for having kids we prayed for a child but don't think we could have had any once we reached an age where we were more stable. Health stuff. I talked about foster parenting but have been discouraged from this. And I have met some of these kids. They aren't the nice ones we see in movies. And some kids who were nice got lost in the system.

We volunteer. Having trouble finding a good fit right now but we do little things on the side. We bought a panhandler McDonalds the other day when we ourselves were having a bad day. We never give money. But Spending $3 helped us to feel human. We do other things too. The big thing is that it takes our mind off ourselves.

[nats]

we have a large extended family, but didn't grow up with any of them. we are strangers when we (rarely) meet. several seem like decent people, but it's not a family in the way we think of one or other people talk about it. they are just people that we have some sort of distant genetic connection with and never see or talk to.

so sorry you're struggling with this stuff. guess family is a tough issue for a lot of us..

[The People]

While I think it is worse for people who went through what we experienced, family struggles are commonplace in so many families. Sadly, while I watched 2 female friends grow closer to their mothers before they d**d there was not that opportunity for us. We were such a mess when our mother got sick(for the extended version read the book if it ever comes out). Physically sick.

In reality though she would never be able to explain why she did what she did. She was probably multie herself plus had to cope with a house full of kids. And drugged to the eyeballs. Legal stuff but they took her off 13 types not long before she left for good.

For other people they learn just to accept the quirks or the distance or whatever else. For us how can we grasp the things that happened? We cannot just learn to laugh it off. Both my parents have d**d. People had no idea how to respond to us so they said nothing. But we were in mourning too. Mourning the childhood they stole from us. How we would never have a chance to understand. That is an impossibility anyway. We understand that they were sick and crazy but... so many more questions.

[purpleball]

I appreciate the kind words, but it seems I may have miscommunicated. These comments are on the topic of the exact opposite problem from the one I'm having. I want family. A family, my family, any family. I don't have one at all, it's just me. It's not that I have a problem with my family, it's that I have no family. I don't even know if I ever did. I don't want kids, I want parents and siblings. I want to have grown up with people. I want to look back on my life and have something to look back on. But I have nothing at all.

[The People]

purpleball I want a family but I am rewriting this because I didn't read closely enough to understand you. I have never married or had kids although I love them. I want to be adopted!

However, I know where they are and some might be courteous to me if I looked them up. I am sorry that I didn't understand what you were saying at first.

Can I ask how old your root (birth) person is? Have you ever considered trying to find this out? I know people who have sought out family. With some it helped them understand why the parents left them while with others there is a happy reunion. There is even a television show about it now where people meet parents and siblings. Of course they only seem to show the happy endings. Not all of them are. I do have (or had) a friend though. Her adoptive mother tracked down her birth mother for her hoping it would show her how lucky she was. It was just the opposite. She finally had a mother and sisters she could relate to.

Something to think about. If you have a T maybe it is something you can talk about. That is a beginning. I apologize for misunderstanding you.

[purpleball]

I guess I'm just terrible at getting my meaning across. The body is 24, and there are two people related to the body that I can contact. The problem is that they're not my family, just people related to the host. They're okay I guess, but they're just people I know. We're not really friends or anything. I want my own family. I have a hard time being around the host's family, because they expect me to be him, and I can't deal with that very long before it starts driving me up the wall. They're more like people I put up with until I get to leave, instead of people I want to be around. I want people that I've grown up with and care about. People that I don't have to give half-assed excuses for my life, because they'd know who I am. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just make the host deal with his family, but seeing as he's slightly dead, it's usually my problem. It just rubs it in my face how much I'll never be the person they expect me to be, and how I'll never have actual people related to me. It's the kind of lonely I can't really talk about, because people say "but you have family, they're right there", but I can't seem to explain that I barely know these people, and how I don't have my own family, just the two people that think I'm someone else. How can they really be family if they don't even know who you are?

[nats]

hi purpleball, that's really hard. i guess it might help a little bit if your host could work through issues with his family. it can make things easier, though it sounds from your post as if he might not have the capacity to do this for now. we don't have what you're talking about either, in terms of people we've grown up with and are close to. we've tried to compensate to some extent by developing friendships, but it's not the same as friends come and go. guess that's one of the reasons we've kept coming back here over the years..

[purpleball]

The host doesn't have the capacity for doing much at all besides not existing, because he's dead. Reintegrated.

[The People]

Independently KA

[purpleball]

What does that mean?

[The People]

KA is short for Katherine Ann. I don't consider myself to be part of any group, within or without. Safer that way. I just want to live life on my own terms. Other people just f*ck it up. I am 14.

Elders have told me to come back and state that we are not minimizing your dilemma. Others here feel like you do. I KA, work alone.

[nats]

yes, if he's dead he probably can't do much. who does most of the work in your system if it's OK to ask?

[purpleball]

I don't mind. I do pretty much everything around here, for one reason or another. I feel slightly taken advantage of, to be perfectly honest.

-B

[nats]

hi B,
often seems to be that way doesn't it? those of us who are OK at taking care of things - either internally or out in the world - always seem to end up doing more than seems fair. balance is something to aim for, but not something we've regularly achieved personally. hope you can find some ways to destress sometimes.