Disempowered

[Downtherabbithole]

My supervisor at work mocks me saying she doesn't get how my dads a cop but I'm scared of everything... Last night when the tormented one came so did one of my dtrong angry parts angry at that statement. I'm not scared if everything she said, screw her screw the world she said. And other than differences in personality my dad prob didn't grow up traumatised continually from age of two so he can handle things we can't. Later on thoughts bout how grateful was for my dissociation that the traumas were broken into manageable parts otherwise I would be here today or I prob would be locked away. They help me survive. But this morning I guess I've got another perspective than that of that angry part still along same lines. But it was an awareness of differences between my dad n me, I grew up feeling like I had no power to stop what was happening power over my own curcuma trances was stripped away every time someone hurt me in very bad ways. Yeah my dad prob had a more stable upbringing but also, I think the difference was he felt empowered. He will stand up to the bullies n criminals n violent people because he felt n feels he has the power n ability to do so. The words I have no power to stop bad things from happening flowed threw my mind this morning and it was then I understood. Ive been disempowered. The way forward is I need to find a way to claim that power back, to become empowered. But without becoming like the people who have hurt me. I think a part of me does fear that at least. That if was to take control, fight back etc that might become the very thing I hate. So to not hurt anyone else remain the frail turtle that hides in its shell when can't cope anymore n the dog that plays dead like a ragdoll because to fight back is to risk becoming like them. Maybe it's not be way to be, it's just how things are right now.

[nats]

makes a lot of sense if your dad feels confident and up to things b/c he's never had a bad experience such as being shot or beaten. that could be empowerment or just lack of knowledge about the realities of negative experience. think of self-empowerment as coming from practicing courage - knowing/feeling what could happen and choosing to do something anyway because the outcome is worth the risk. often the outcome may not be worth the risk for you - since you know what the risk actually feels like, while many people wouldn't. thus as you move towards feeling empowered the choices and actions you take have greater value because you know from experience what the alternatives are.

your supervisor doesn't sound very smart.

[Downtherabbithole]

Thanks nats. That helps. Though I think that I struggle partly because some of the traumas or alot of them could be seen as, they wouldn't of happened if I hadnt been so determined to face my fears at the time. I'd still go somewhere even if it cared me, I'd still go swimming even if I'd almost drowned previosly n had to be rescued. I'd try not let my fear stop me from going somewhere where someone had been that had done something terrible. I was big on not running away from things before then I learnt to let someone in n trust him. It was after I finally realised he was being inappropriate n thay he knew he was doing wrong thing n did it anyway... After that I reevaluated how I faced life. I used to have terrible panic attacks n dissociation facing fears, the whole courage thing. But after that incident n two years in rather unhealthy relationship I realised or concluded it could all come down to that very thing. I was afraid n did it anyway n things went bad, sometimes because of my reactions to that place or activity or person. I chose to not run away, if I had I wouldn't of been taken advantage of by pastor or had near death accidents or assaulted or bullying. I took the risk n paid the price. It was my own fault for all those things to happen. I brought it on myself by taking that risk. I don't know bout when was a child but at least as a teen young adult n adult. I chose to not run away. I didn't want to give up or give in n stop trying or stop believing or trusting. So it my fault. All of it. It's my own stupid fault..

[Downtherabbithole]

Sorry got little emotional there, point I was trying to make, was that because of this, I'm less willing to make the same mistakes as before, less willing to take the risks, just leaving house causes the occasional confrontation where someone yells n screams or threatens me with glass bottle, or hits on me. I'm less willing to take those risks because I know if something bad happens it was like I was just asking for it to happen because I didn't stay away. Like part of me still thinks that way, courage lil one she says, I know ur afraid, but we can do this. But others who hold memories of the events that cause fear don't find comfort in that. If I leave the house I do so knowing if something happens, it's my fault cause I was there rather than in safety of my own home.

[nats]

there has to be some kind of balance, doesn't there? it can be so hard to find too. childhood stuff tends to disrupt our healthy risk assessment so we may end up hiding when it's safe or forcing ourselves into obvious risks to prove we're brave. both are extremes, but it doesn't sound at all like you're stupid. we all do things we regret after, but we also have probably all done things that could have gone badly and didn't. we become products of our choices, good, bad, and indifferent. none of this gives your supervisor a right to mock you.

[Downtherabbithole]

Thanks heaps nats that really does help alot