best friends

[The People]

Peak and Unsher are best friends. However they have never met face to face.

Today I was talking with a friend on the phone. Known her since college. We haven't seen each other in years but stay in touch; mostly because I push it. Not that she doesn't still care about me. She has a whole life now that I was not part of since I was a wedding bridesmaid in 82ish.

She talked about someone and referred to her as her 'best friend'. This friend came and gave her a sponge bath in H (both nurses) and a back rub. Hugging is about as far as I can get and the people that promised to be there after my surgery never showed except for one friend who was kind enough to change my sheets until I could do it myself. But she is not my best friend.

Has anyone here had a best friend (excluding partners etc)? The one person who knows how bad things are for you and will pick up the phone to check in. I doubt if many of us would allow back rubs. I cannot even handle a massage. But tat one person who you know will always be there and introduce you as their best friend. Anybody?

I am suddenly so sad. Going to have a bath and read a book. I care deeply for my friends here and am so glad that peak has unsher (although we have not heard from her in a long time) and that two has the kitties and the stuffies who are her best friends and share what she calls "the family bed". Friendship is just such a confusing concept for me. I think my computer is my best friend because I can say anything to it and it is always here for me. Not to good at making me a hot tea when I need it and I guess the only way I would get a back rub out of it would be to turn it on, warm it up and then lie on it, hoping it didn't cause it to crash.

[The People]

No responses. Before I wrote here I wrote a long email to a lot of "friends" past and present. I talked about things I could never say in person. About the best friend thing, about how lost I am right now, the dark time coming up... other things that I will just leave. Got 1 response. Some are away. others are busy. Others wrote me off.

I feel stupid now for writing the letter. And I find part of me getting mad although most of them have probably not even read it yet. Watamess.

[MakersDozn]

We identify with a lot of what you wrote. And we hope you still don't regret writing/sending the letter to your friends. Even if people didn't respond, we think that it's a good example of self-care that you wrote it.

Back in high school we learned a hard lesson about "best friends." We were bullied a lot in school and found it difficult to make friends at all. But after our family moved when we were in the middle of seventh grade, we started to befriend one girl in school. Inexperienced as we were, we assumed that she was now our "best friend."

Four years later, we had a small handful of casual acquaintances in school, but that was it. We still thought of that one girl as our "best friend," even though we only saw her in school and didn't hang out with her or do anything together outside of class.

Imagine how we felt when we heard that she had organized a birthday party for a classmate that she considered *her* best friend, and that we/MDs were not invited to the party. It's not that she deliberately excluded us. Rather, it never occurred to her to invite us in the first place.

What we took out of that incident, aside from years of painful feelings, is the lesson that in any relationship, no matter how superficial or deep, the people involved never see the relationship in the same way. They may have similar perspectives, but those perspectives will never be exactly the same. This is because no two people are exactly the same--they have different selves, thoughts, feelings, consciousness.

And a related lesson, which was even harder for us to accept, is that no relationship can ever be considered an exclusive claim on the other person. Spouses, close friends, whatever....they each have a part of their own lives that is separate from the other person in the relationship. No matter how close they are.

Anyway....thanks for giving us the opportunity to reflect on this. It helps us put a piece of our own life in perspective. And we hope that you find some peace about choosing to reach out to people.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Well put MDs.

[Tangled Web]

The People.......for us friendships are very difficult. The person who we describe as our best friend is someone who we chat to online all the time through IM'ing. We have never met her in person. We do have another "friend" that we met in nursing school 3 years ago, that we get together with every once in awhile and that is it in our life. Socialization with other people outside of work just isn't something we are comfortable with I guess. If you were to see us at work though, you would never think that but my work life and home life are completely opposite. So no, we don't have anyone that would pick up the phone and call us to "just check in". Sorry if this is not helpful. I am interested in this thread though and reading......
Tangled

[MakersDozn]

(10-06-2013, 10:35 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Well put MDs.

Thanks, TW.

[tweeter]

Been thinking, from a somewhat different, but relevant, point of view.

In school, I remember arguments I witnessed: two little girls in an emotional tug of war, which expanded to include the girl who was the subject of the conflict. They insisted that she choose between the two of them, which one would be The best friend (or a friend at all). To be called a friend or good friend is sufficient.

I haven't used the term "best friend" since grade school, one exception being FM who called me his best friend and so forth. We supported each other, but something went wrong. I later learned that he had a growing # of agendas. It became toxic, as in classic co-dependency. For whatever reasons, there are people who need to be needed, to be in control. It doesn't always start out that way. But life throws a lot of curve balls and sinkers.

A true friend in any capacity can turn into the opposite when the needs of the society, as in today's crumbing civilization, work on chinks in the armor of character. It's happening on a very large scale.
A time when deriving comfort might be best done with a minimum of dependency.

I have more clarity re how I'm viewed by some people I've known. Comes in flashes. I was moved by MDs experience.
My lesson for today is not to expect anyone to see me as I see myself, or as I am (which is probably beyond what I can see some of the time). Self-explanation often doesn't work for me because it doesn't address what is relevant to the other person, who has already made up his/her mind or been influenced by another's opinion. Or, if I was misjudged, the matter might be dropped in a mass of indifference disguised as confusion. In other words, I've been found expendable no matter what I say. The window of opportunity has closed. It hurts to know for myself that I never mattered to someone who means so much to me, and has had an immense effect on my life. I'm going on, but have doubts that I will get over this one (no one else is getting that close), combined with three recent betrayals of long-term friendship, two of them professional relationships affecting my health. Those are the recent ones.

I've written my share of letters. Regretted most of them. The written word fails to communicate what I wish to share. This isn't making it either, but I'm trying.

I take my friendships, few, dwindling, as there are, seriously. I realize degrees of friendship and commitment. What do I need, and want to give in return? I need honesty, respect, and gentleness (even when the honesty has to be a bit rough). Discretion is important.

"Who knows what you really are, and how/when you're vulnerable?" That's one level of trust. Another is being able to depend on a person (to care enough, and to have the time) to make you feel good socially, and to reach out to you.
Sometimes both don't exist in the same person. One might derive comfort and acceptance from someone who isn't privy to it all.

take care,
tweeter

[The People]

Only one person of all those that I wrote to responded and she is the one who has been there the most for me. I just had to let go and included pretty much everyone in the letter. With some people I would probably leave them out as they have been good friends.

I wasn't telling these people that I was mad because none of them were my best friend. I just needed to tell them how much I hurt. How hard my life is. Things I have done to try and help me/us/people like us only to be slammed.

I even sent a PS today explaining that. The person I am most angry with is me.

It does hurt though. And I think that I have held on too long with some friends. Like my "best friend from college." She has come to my province and made no attempt to meet up half way for a cup of coffee. Others with similar examples. But some who tried and we just grew apart. becauseoutside of here people really don't get what it is like to have a couple of dozen people directing your life; all from the inside. Tired.

[nats]

agreeing and recognising a lot of what has been said here. just to add a thought, it's not just internal realities that make friendships hard. we work very hard. we don't have money or time to socialise. we can't expect to have close friendships given these constraints and how busy others are also. we have a number of people we care about and some who do seem to care about us. wouldn't characterise any as 'best' friends as we can't imagine any would think of us that way.

[MakersDozn]

(10-08-2013, 12:54 AM)nats Wrote: agreeing and recognising a lot of what has been said here. just to add a thought, it's not just internal realities that make friendships hard. we work very hard. we don't have money or time to socialise. we can't expect to have close friendships given these constraints and how busy others are also. we have a number of people we care about and some who do seem to care about us. wouldn't characterise any as 'best' friends as we can't imagine any would think of us that way.

With us, work, commuting, and FOO take up a great deal of our time. "Downtime" or alone-time is a higher priority for us than socializing. And we don't enjoy superficial interactions, or interacting with groups of more than about five people.

If that leaves us out of things, so be it. Thanks for your post.

MDs

[MakersDozn]

(10-07-2013, 12:36 AM)tweeter Wrote: For whatever reasons, there are people who need to be needed, to be in control. It doesn't always start out that way. But life throws a lot of curve balls and sinkers.

Ah, a baseball metaphor. Sinkers are actually a good thing, if you can train yourself to hit a 15-hop grounder into the outfield. Sort of like the baseball equivalent of taking lemons and making lemonade.

(10-07-2013, 12:36 AM)tweeter Wrote: I was moved by MDs experience.
My lesson for today is not to expect anyone to see me as I see myself, or as I am (which is probably beyond what I can see some of the time). Self-explanation often doesn't work for me because it doesn't address what is relevant to the other person, who has already made up his/her mind or been influenced by another's opinion.

Well-put. And very helpful to us. Thanks.

Laura, Allegra, and others

[tweeter]

"Ah, a baseball metaphor. Smile Sinkers are actually a good thing, if you can train yourself to hit a 15-hop grounder into the outfield. Sort of like the baseball equivalent of taking lemons and making lemonade."

Neat images. I really don't know one pitch from another. Generally can't see much on TV. I went to one tennis tournament (Forest Hills) when someone from work had an extra ticket. What I enjoyed most was watching the tennis ball motion. My seat was perfectly placed for that observation.

Glad that what I wrote was helpful. I learn from doing that, a shift in focus which brings clarity, with or without joy.
tweets

[The People]

Appreciate all of the answers here. I have also received a few more from the ones I sent out. Interestingly the most touching one was the woman I have grown closer to since we worked together up north. She lived here for a while and we became closer; both finding it hard to connect with others here but finding more and more in common with regards to interests. I went to visit her where she lives now. A short but safe feeling visit. When fear started to do over her space - taking away the dirty cellar look - we realized that the quilt she put up to replace the ugly grey blanket was like the one on the bed we slept on. We threatened to take it back with us along with her daughter's dog and I guess we did. The dog is in our heart and the quilt is in Fear's room.

Where we lived before moving here we had instant friends as everybody was single and had moved away from family. This city is more difficult but we actually recognized AFTER we wrote that letter that we have made friends here. A different kind of friendship than what we had up there but we are older and the friends are too. We miss having kids around but that is life. So thank you for your support. We are feeling better. Dark days on the horizon but I don't think they will be as bad this year.

Or the age of whomever is out re photo below.

[MakersDozn]

(10-10-2013, 01:12 AM)tweeter Wrote: I really don't know one pitch from another. Generally can't see much on TV.

We can't recognize pitches either. We can tell a ball from a strike, but that's about it. We know that types of pitches (curve, breaking ball, sinker, slider, etc.) exist, but we can't recognize them visually.

For example, we know that a sinker is supposed to go downward, but we still can't recognize it when it's happening. It could be a sinker or a slider, and we forget the difference. Shrug.

And don't even ask us about the difference between a two-seamer and a four-seamer. To us, the ball only has one long seam.

Glad that you enjoyed your experience at the tennis tournament.

MDs

[MakersDozn]

The People,

Glad that some of your friends responded. And that you feel better now. We like the image....or rather, the statement on the image.

MDs