appointment today

[Tangled Web]

Today I saw my T and I learned something new. She told me that I would not be able to change how think about things related to my childhood until I learned how to deal with the emotions. She said that our emotions fuels our thoughts like an energy that keeps the motor continually running. That click with us and made sense on some level.
I guess I am starting to understand why it is so important to have emotions and the part they play in the healing process, but the more I learn about this I find the more afraid I get. For me feelings aren't really attached to anything and that is how we keep things not being real and if they are not real then they won't bother us and then the past can be so easy to deny. Feelings terrify me and can get so out of control so quickly.

Then my T did something that completely shocked us. She brought out this purple bear and gave it to us. She said her grandson who is 16 1/2 cleaned out his room and was getting rid of this bear and she thought of us and asked if she could have it. He gave it to her and she wanted to give it to us, something we could use while we were in her office if we wanted it. It was such a nice thing to do and she is being so very nice to us.
It worries me though. What happens to us when she changes her mind about us and stops liking us? What happens if she starts to hear their stories and see how awful they behaved or thinks that they got what they deserved? What if that happens and everything changes? We are so worried about screwing this up and disappointing her and her seeing what we believe of us is actually true.
What if that happens?
Then I think well what if it doesn't happen? What will that mean? OMGOSH I am so confused!

[The People]

(09-24-2013, 04:36 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Today I saw my T and I learned something new. She told me that I would not be able to change how think about things related to my childhood until I learned how to deal with the emotions. She said that our emotions fuels our thoughts like an energy that keeps the motor continually running. That click with us and made sense on some level.
I guess I am starting to understand why it is so important to have emotions and the part they play in the healing process, but the more I learn about this I find the more afraid I get. For me feelings aren't really attached to anything and that is how we keep things not being real and if they are not real then they won't bother us and then the past can be so easy to deny. Feelings terrify me and can get so out of control so quickly.

Then my T did something that completely shocked us. She brought out this purple bear and gave it to us. She said her grandson who is 16 1/2 cleaned out his room and was getting rid of this bear and she thought of us and asked if she could have it. He gave it to her and she wanted to give it to us, something we could use while we were in her office if we wanted it. It was such a nice thing to do and she is being so very nice to us.
It worries me though. What happens to us when she changes her mind about us and stops liking us? What happens if she starts to hear their stories and see how awful they behaved or thinks that they got what they deserved? What if that happens and everything changes? We are so worried about screwing this up and disappointing her and her seeing what we believe of us is actually true.
What if that happens?
Then I think well what if it doesn't happen? What will that mean? OMGOSH I am so confused!

First of all Peak is very jealous that you got a purple bear. Yes we got a purple book and cannot have it all but how lucky are you?

Second, the fact that she chose a day when she had to explain something really hard to give you that special gift, one that belonged to her own grandson, symbolizes to me that you mean a lot to her. I am guessing she understands you very well. What I have learned over the years is that people who truly understand us actually like us. And while it does not mean they will be there for ever there is probably NOTHING you can do that will make her stop liking you. Our best Ts really care about us still and some have moved away or moved on. But the last 2 here in this city ensured that we were well looked after before they left. Because they cared. It was hard for them to go, especially the last one who was around for over 5 years and saw us through some hard times.

Sometimes we feel really ugly inside. And we are just getting to the feelings too so sometimes they come out at the wrong time and chase people away. But never a T who cared about us. They saw the real us that we are too afraid or too unable to let people see. Funny thing is it made us nicer to them than others because we knew they didn't dislike us. That there wasn't anything we could say or do that would make them go away. We tried with 1 T in the early days but she hung in there. Test test test. One could say that it is their job to be there but being there and genuinely caring are 2 different things.

I remember with another helper person. She was wise in the ways of multies although she was not a T. She told us that quite often the feelings come last. And because we spent so many years stuffing them in so that we would feel safer, be safer, for me the feelings sometimes push out like fat from a too tight bathing suit. Explode like fire crackers. Make us cry at silly things on TV; or over nothing. We have chased away friends. But our Ts like us a lot and none of them ever left because of us. We left some who were crazier than we are but not one said they couldn't work with us because we were too dark or angry or whatever. Their acceptance allowed us to let the emotions creep out a bit at a time instead of us vomiting them all over the T like we did and do with everyday monominds.

So while I don't know if your T will always be your T it sounds like you have a good bond. And short of threatening her which does not sound like your style, I don't think you would give her any reason to give up on you.

I hope you find a good name for purple bear and a special place for him. Between stuffies and cats we don't have much room for us some nights in the family bed. Two and the other littles feel safer that way however.

[Tangled Web]

She is keeping the purple bear at her office with her. It isn't coming home with us. Oh I wonder if it was supposed to come home with us? I left it there because I didn't think it was only mine. I am not sure about that one. I hope I haven't offended her.

Today I was telling her what things generally mean to me........and I guess we got into how we generally work. That is a scary topic for us because for us it is us giving her ammunition. We told her that talking about the details of what happened to us is what we avoid because it makes things very real for us, then I stopped because it felt so wrong to do that and I asked her if it was wrong to say that and told her why it felt wrong to say that. She thought it was because of the messages I got from my parents about secrets. But I told her well that is part of it but the first part is my defenses and if I tell you things about how we work then you are going to use those things ex. like the details thing...... you are going to ask for details and after you ask the question we will think of the answer and then see it in the mind and then that won't be good. I never realized how protective we were about how we work and in sharing that information with anybody. She understood though because in sharing that information would help her make us vulnerable and when you are vulnerable you can be easily hurt. That made sense to us also. I also realized today that getting past my defenses that we have created is one thing but then there is a whole another level of defenses that my parents created in me by the messages they gave us.

The purple bear definitely had the littler ones come closer and that scared me. I know she believes us, and we really do want her to care and she says she does care and it is a good thing to feel that but it doesn't feel good. It is terrifying.

We have ALWAYS and I mean always kept people away from us, from getting too close. Not to say that people don't feel close to us because they say they do..........it is us not feeling close to them, not at this level. We have always wanted it mind you but when it comes to this point, we stop it from happening. It hurts us to actually believe that someone actually cares........ not sure why but it always has.

[The People]

A way to think of the bear! Yu could tell her that knowing he is there although you gave him to you makes you feel.... safe? closer to her? that she has faith in you? What is an advantage in having (Bear name) at her office. Advantage for you?

We have the opposite experience with Littles. Our first to come forward was a little and with every new part of the castle or new gathering that was ready to come forward a child would come out first. We often feel that perhaps they were testing the water.

[Tangled Web]

I think the bear to help the younger ones feel safer at her office. That is the purpose it has being there.
You have a castle? I have a castle also, that is the place I call home in my castle.
The lils don't come out around people, they hide more than test the waters. Our teens and tweens mostly test out the waters with people but even in the beginning they don't come out either. Mostly are guards and the ones who help us function come out, everyone else stay pretty much hidden or behind someone else mouthing off their thoughts while one of our upfronters are out.
Tangled