another idea bites the dust

[The People]

On Sunday at church this big idea came to me. I decided it was time to let go of what was taken, what I didn't have, and start looking for things to have.

I quickly worked up an image of being a foster parent. 2 girls; preferably sisters. My pdoc thought it was a wonderful idea. Today I saw my soon to be former T. She works for an agency that councils foster kids. Her concern was that I would not get what I want. So many kids in the foster system would not be able to give me what I need. They are shut down. Inability to bond because of what they have been through. Many are explosive and don't give a sh*t.

I am sure they are not all like that. But I would want kids who were already in school and as the magic turn around age is 7 there would be a good chance the kids I would foster would be more than I could handle and would give me nothing in return. That was her perspective. She stepped back a bit and suggested that I could at least make inquiries. What's the point? Yes these kids need homes too. And people to love and care for them. But not getting anything back would probably finish me as I have had 54 years of not getting anything back. Another idea bites the dust.

[Reilly]

Just a thought. Do you have any pets? Perhaps you can rescue a dog or cat that needs a loving home. My furry little friends make my days brighter. They are loyal and love me unconditionally.
Hope things work out!

[nats]

is it not possible to foster younger kids? they must need support too..

[Cammy]

Hi, Igraine here. Just read your post and wanted to add a few thoughts. I personally know people who foster children of all ages. Some of them are single parent foster parents, but have their own older children at home (older teen and college aged) to help out a little here and there, and to also provide positive role models. Even the foster parents who have done this a long time describe it to me as being "thankless, endless, grueling, 48/7" type of work. By the time kids end up in the foster system they have usually been through a lot. Even those who haven't are still either children or teens, neither of which possess the emotional maturity to really 'give back' to their care takers in the way that your hopes are describing. With children it is about the care giver giving, giving, and giving. Positive emotional returns are generally sparse if non-existent. The people I know who do this tell me that it is best not to expect anything back from the child, not even gratitude. If there are emotional returns it usually occurs years later when the child is becomes an adult, has their own children, and finally realizes what the foster parent did for them. (Even many adults are still not able to give back in this way). Younger children are even less able to express 'love'. They are psychologically wired for survival and will bond as per survival needs, but care takers must give, give, and give. Many times I have heard new young
mothers state that they had a baby in order to bring some love into their life. They were all shocked to learn that it is a one way street in this regard - caregiver gives the love and the child takes, takes, and takes...reality.

I too had the same idea as you a few years back. I am in my mid-fifties. That fact alone made me do some hard thinking about becoming a foster parent. Being in my fifties was really not an ideal age to begin caring for a child, whatever the child's age. Like it or not I had to face the fact that the incredible energy required was best left to a younger person. Then I also thought about my psychological issues and how there are days where it takes all I have just to care for myself. With a foster child this would be a big problem. Still, I wanted to make a difference in a young person's life, so I became a mentor. Mentoring is perfect for me - I get to be with and bond with a child who needs that extra adult care in their life, the time commitment is a minimum of a few hours a week (even though I do much more), and I really feel like I'm making a difference in a young person's life (because I AM making a difference). Most importantly, however, is that I do not harbor any special expectations about how I would like to see this relationship develop in emotional terms. This way I am never disappointed either with myself and especially not with the child. I highly recommend trying mentoring. It really is an excellent way to help a child, but may be a more practical route for you at this time. It is also a terrific way to just get out and see & do things you may never have thought of before (I've been to a dinosaur museum/park, seen some cool 3D movies, visited the planetarium, viewed some amazing science exhibits, taken in a rodeo & show jumping, done some guided trail riding, helped with school projects, shopped at value stores, just hung out at a bistro for lunch and girl talk, taken her for a free makeover at Shopper's Drug Mart, helped set up an aquarium for her bedroom, had family dinner with her mom & brother, taken her to an orthodontist appointment on a day her mom really truly couldn't do it, attended church with her at her request, and have provided other emotional support as required). They say that when you help out another person that the actual psychological rewards to yourself are huge. I have found this to be incredibly true. I can't imagine my life without this element in it. What a difference it has made for me. Perhaps it is something you might want to consider.

[nats]

wow Igraine, this sounds like a great initiative. didn't know such programmes existed!

[The People]

Have done the mentoring thing. Have 2 rescue cats and would have a dog if I could afford a house. While I appreciate your taking the time to give feedback I still feel ripped off.

[Cammy]

Understood.