It has only taken 25 years or so

[The People]

for me to realize just how much of an impact my anger and my anxiety have on the quality of my life. It chases people away. It causes me to hide out when I want to go out and do thigs. It exhausts me. But it is only recently that I was aware on my own just how much this impacted my life. Other people told me some of this but al I would think was 'you don't know what my life is like'. They don't. But I don't know what theirs is like either. And no matter the reason when I am in one of my 'moods' who would want to be around me?

Therapists have put labels on these feelings but it meant little to me until I had some aha moments over the past few weeks. Things have happened to make me study myself more seriously. 25 years! They say that awareness is half the battle. But will I outlive the other half?
Life is the scary movie.

[Tangled Web]

I understand what you are saying here. Those Ah Ha moments sure do take along time to show themselves. I am glad you are having them though, better late than never-I always say.
TW

[nats]

as TW says, late is probably better than never, we've reached almost 20yrs and starting to think some things will be never for us...

[Cammy]

I just read a post by someone who was integrated and functioning for many decades, and then it all came apart again for no apparent reason. For me the message and reality are clear...this doesn't ever get better. Waiting around for it to improve is a hopeless waste of time. I think for me I'm just going to pick up all my little pieces and just start living my life with what Ive got. I've waited to 'get better' long enough. This is why life seems to go nowhere...we let ourselves stagnate with thoughts of improvement. All there is is NOW, maybe just moving forward the best we can bit by bit, and getting excellent support along the way from MM is the best we can hope for or do. Some days there will be successes, others, not. That post was a real eye opener. It's been 25 years for me too. I've had enough. I've got to get myself moving forward somehow, even if it's a snail's pace. I've just got to learn to live with this the best way I can.

Can you imagine another 20 years of struggling to get nowhere? I can't.

[nats]

(03-30-2013, 08:16 AM)Igraine Wrote: Can you imagine another 20 years of struggling to get nowhere? I can't.

think there is a lot of validity in this. not that it isn't worth trying to 'get better' but that setting aside everything that is life until we reach that magic betterness and 'are healed' just isn't the way i or anyone in here wants to live.

life is to be lived, not just avoided till we're healthy enough to do it properly.

[Tangled Web]

I agree with what you are saying here nats. Life IS to be lived, not just avoided till we're healthy enough to do it properly.
The way we see it though ..........isn't in terms of "getting better", for us it is about healing the wounds that were caused. That best way I know how to describe it is when you have a wound on your skin or on your body somewhere and it might be infected, what do you do with it? You take care of it and try to get it to heal. I see it the same way as the our wounded soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it. The only thing is that we need to be taught how to heal it because we don't know how. It isn't as easy as going to a doctor and get an antibiotic, there are no magic pills for this. But the wounds do heal and they form a scar and the scars do fade with time, but they will always be there. That is what I see happening Igraine. People can integrate and work really hard at doing that but you never forget how to split, or dissociate, just like you don't forget where you got the scars from. I can understand how hard it is to hear though after someone has worked so hard to become "one" and then have it all fall apart again.
Just like I agree with you when you say "Waiting around for it to improve is a hopeless waste of time." I don't think anyone should "just wait around" imo healing is something we do for ourselves, it has to be worked at and waiting for it happened is a sure way of it not happening, but working at it is a almost a guarantee that it will happen. I truly believe that. I am glad you are going to get yourself moving forward and finding a way to live with this. Some days that is all we can do. Just make it through the day........and I try to remind myself ALL the time that the sun will come up again and it will be a new day. There is hope. At least that is what we(as in myself) have to believe.
TW

[Cammy]

Thanks nats and TW for responding to my inappropriately placed outburst. I thought for sure I'd be shown the door. Your understanding and perspectives are very much appreciated. I'm glad I had the chance to express all that and make that realization. So, it's forward march for me, whatever I have to drag along with me. I'm not just going to sit in my room year after year anymore like I have been. Thanks.

[nats]

(03-30-2013, 07:17 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: ..That best way I know how to describe it is when you have a wound on your skin or on your body somewhere and it might be infected, what do you do with it? You take care of it and try to get it to heal...

so what we do, ignoring the offending wound till what its attached to falls off or it heals itself, would not be the appropriate response in this context....?

it's an excellent analogy.

[jamdjohnson]

Yep. When I finally have an 'Ah ha' moment, I feel st*pid like why didn't I get this before but I tell my self I'm not st*pid because it is all new to me and I'm learning it for the first time and that's ok.

[nats]

(04-03-2013, 11:11 PM)jamdjohnson Wrote: Yep. When I finally have an 'Ah ha' moment, I feel st*pid like why didn't I get this before but I tell my self I'm not st*pid because it is all new to me and I'm learning it for the first time and that's ok.

very true.