Road Block

[Tangled Web]

I have ran head first and smacked into a very thick wall with my new T. I asked her the other day if she thought I was a bad mom in an email because I was afraid to ask her in person. Well she read the email and told me she didn't know if I was or not. She also said some other things after that but to me they were not important. So logically I think to myself, ok fair enough that she said because she doesn't know, she doesn't know me or the situation well enough yet, and at least she was being honest with me, which is important BUT OMG........I cannot get past the fact she said that to me. What if she ends up thinking I was bad mom? It occurred to me that she might actually think I WAS a bad mom. So how am I supposed to process anything with her, I can't tell her now how I feel or what I think because she might actually think I was bad mom. I have tried so hard to look at this from so many different directions and there is NO WAY OUT of it. There is NOTHING she can possibly say to me that will change that. So what am I supposed to do? I just sit here shaking my head........nothing..........
And if she thinks that way how is she going to think about the stuff I did in the past.........Is she going to think I deserved it or that maybe I am a really bad person.........It has snowballed into something so huge........and I just can't seem to get a handle on it. This one took me completely by surprise, and I truly didn't see that coming at ALL!

[MakersDozn]

(03-23-2013, 11:28 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I have ran head first and smacked into a very thick wall with my new T. I asked her the other day if she thought I was a bad mom in an email because I was afraid to ask her in person. Well she read the email and told me she didn't know if I was or not.

Ugh. That would drive us crazy. Don't know what she was thinking when she said that. As we see it, you were looking for emotional validation more than an actual evaluation of your parenting skills. And we certainly don't think you were looking to be judged. Sheesh.

Maybe you can tell her how it made you feel when she replied that way. It sounds like she needs to understand what you were really looking for when you asked her.

Good luck,

MDs

[tweeter]

I have ran head first and smacked into a very thick wall with my new T. I asked her the other day if she thought I was a bad mom in an email because I was afraid to ask her in person. Well she read the email and told me she didn't know if I was or not. She also said some other things after that but to me they were not important. So logically I think to myself, ok fair enough that she said because she doesn't know, she doesn't know me or the situation well enough yet, and at least she was being honest with me, which is important BUT OMG........I cannot get past the fact she said that to me. What if she ends up thinking I was bad mom? It occurred to me that she might actually think I WAS a bad mom.
_______________________________________

One of the worst characteristics of human interaction is unresolved ambiguity, especially, of the emotional kind, as in this case. But, it's more than that. Got to leave those labels behind because they are destructive, especially when the client is seeking to understand herself and to be accountable, first to herself. They are also not so good because some of what you ask is a matter of opinion, degree...

There's something you said that was especially interesting, though not unexpected, given what might have been a rote response by your T (right out of a text book or class lecture). How she said some other things to you that were unimportant; another word might be irrelevant. That bothers me. It's like you were being talked at.

How about making a list of what you consider nurturing behavior toward a child of any age? If words don't do it for you, draw or find pictures that make you feel good about this subject. This, and where it leads, can be discussed at the next session. If this works for you, let T know you would like to do this.

You should not at this time judge yourself, or feel judged. That will block the process of understanding feelings and from where they arose. Then, their evolution into adult behavior.
So, you will like some of what you have done, and not like other times, especially noting where there are repetitive patterns.
As I see it, the initial approach should not be to identify you as bad or good anything, but to catalog your behavior and underlying feelings, and work your way thru to yourself(ves). That's how I see it.

I realize that you have concerns. Maybe my approach (I'm not a multi, nor a T) is naive. But, I think that it's good to view what makes you feel good about acting as a mother and then talking about what you do without measuring anything.

tweeter

[nats]

we see this perhaps slightly differently from MDs and tweeter. to us it sounded like you were probably looking for validation and support from your T but what you asked her for was a judgement - "do you think I'm a good mum..?" if someone I didn't yet know well asked me that kind of question I would probably say something equally vague and ineffective just b/c the alternatives ("Yes I think you're wonderful" - sounds fake, "I'm sure you do your best" - sounds patronising, etc) seem worse. It's kind of a minefield.

having said this, we would find it very difficult to talk about examples of bad things we had done after a response like that. it would reduce our trust and we'd probably waste a lot of time demonstrating what a great mum we were rather than concentrating on healing - also not helpful.

Agree that the best approach is probably to describe to her exactly how you felt after she said this and see if you can talk it through before making any decisions one way or another on this T.

[MakersDozn]

Good point, nats.

In any event, we believe it's a good idea for TW to tell her T how she feels as a result of what happened.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Thanks everyone for your feedback and support.
MDs- when you said that I was looking for .......emotional validation more than an actual evaluation of your parenting skills.....you are absolutely correct, that is exactly what I was looking for, but we didn't know how to ask for it so out came the question......
Tweeter-your suggestions and response is exactly what she did with me after I had talked to her again about it.
Nats- you are right.......that is exactly what I asked for was judgement when what I meant to do was get support and try to open the door to the heart that has been so broken for a long time now.

I did talk to my T about it but first we sent her an email telling her exactly how we felt about the last conversation and when we went to see her she was prepared. She told me how she had thought a lot about what we had said in the email and she knows she did not give us what we were looking for at the time but she also knows how important it is to us that she remains honest and is honest and she was right. So she chose to be honest. I was completely shocked. It was the last thing I thought she would say to me, but in her doing that just made it seem ok. She asked me what I thought being a bad mom was and I was able to list things off to her and actually talk to her. I haven't felt like that in a very time where I could just talk and not censor. She knew she walked into a mine field(great description nats) and she handled it very well. I knew after I asked the question, and came home it was not a fair question to ask but it had been asked already so now we had to deal with the feelings that came from it. She actually heard me. She was able to hear the anger, the doubt, the lack of trust.....ALL of it and I was able to leave her office feeling ok again. I actually felt kinda good. I was so terrified and angry when I walked into her office and was totally prepared for a fight but it didn't turn out like that at all. This is the first time I have ever not held it in and held onto something someone has done wrong in my eyes, And kept it from them. I was actually able to talk to her about it.
So that is it. Thank you everyone that responded........I really appreciate it!
TW

[mosaic]

TW, i am so happy for you that you were able to talk to your t about it and especially that it worked out as it did. you did great work!

[tweeter]

I too am overjoyed. I liked the tone of cooperation.
Oh, and Good Job!
tweeter

[Tangled Web]

Thank you

[nats]

this sounds so positive! well done yous!