Conflicted

[Tangled Web]

I am conflicted. I have made the decision to heal. I am starting to realize what those words really mean and what that entails.
I find myself at these constant crossroads and that is where all the conflict comes in.
To realize that maybe it is really was that bador are you just making it up.............
To feel or not to feel.............
If you feel sad for too long does that mean you are dwelling on it......
To own the memories or deny them......
Is what you see happening in your head real or is it just a bad dream......
Who do you listen to? How do you decide?
Why does it have to always be such a battle?
Tangled

[mosaic]

i dont know if i have a good answer for why it is a battle - all i know is that in my case it is always so scary to change - because change (healing, for example) means facing the unknown (what will i be like then?) and the unknown is always a bit scary. so for years we stayed in the "comfortable" familiar misery because at least we knew what to expect

[Tangled Web]

I completely understand what you are saying here. Predictability is always the safest route to go.
I guess I am feeling frustrated and stupid. I have to fight to feel bad.........That is how it feels and to me that sounds absolutely ridiculous.
When I feel sad or anyone of those awful feelings, I have to actually fight to hold onto to it, so I can feel it........ so It doesn't get pushed away, sucked away and buried again.
So the inner conflict continues.
Tangled

[GentleWarrior]

choosing to heal is brave, scary, hard, exhausting.

but so worthwhile.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you Gentle Warrior

[nats]

(11-18-2012, 02:07 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: ...Predictability is always the safest route to go. I guess I am feeling frustrated and stupid. I have to fight to feel bad.........

and you can't really blame yourselves for not wanting to fight to feel bad, now can you ? inertia is a powerful force at the best of times, even more so when what you're trying to do is going to feel worse before it feels better. we're sure you'll get there, and can empathise with how hard it is.

[orek]

"inertia is a powerful force at the best of times, even more so when what you're trying to do is going to feel worse before it feels better."

That's a very good point, one that helps to think about after yet another weekend of resorting to bad choices and compulsive behaviors to escape and distract. Right now it feels as if inertia will be our undoing. We don't feel much empathy for ourselves or much hope. Quite the opposite.

And now with our T retiring in a year, we feel every failure and bad choice as added ingredients to the pressure cooker of dwindling time, time running out on our chance to tell our stories and heal, to face what's in there.

[nats]

hi orek, go easy on yourselves. we all rely on bad choices at times. sounds like you've come a very long way since starting with that T and even if you don't get all the way to where you want to be that doesn't mean failure. it just means you want to go further.

[Tangled Web]

Orek
I totally agree with what nats said. It was very well put!

[prideland]

hi Tangled web,

We sat and read your post a number of times, tussling with similar questions, we realised that those questions come and go, just as every other experience along the journey. Keep plodding on and you will get there...as we all will. Recovery never ends, its a journey, one that takes us along many a road, one day as you look back we are sure you will see an intricate amazing and beautiful pattern of life....with all its twists, turns, good times and bad. Whatever your journey shows, it is what has made you who you are and that is amazing.

Take care
prideland people

[orek]

Thanks, nats and Tangled Web. I appreciate your kind words, hard as they are to digest and believe right now.

Here's to the best possible outcome for everyone's journey over thorny and seemingly impassable paths on the way to healing. Surely the struggle makes us stronger, if nothing else, eh?

[Katz Krew]

Hi TW,

I have struggled with this as well....in my own way. For me it was more the physical aspects of being sick that I had to struggle with as my memories of the SA is very shady though I know for certain it happened with a number of diff people. I am sharing my take on the physical it in case it helps you. If not, no worries.

Being physically sick has been my life. At least 42 out of soon to be 46yrs. I started my healing journey for real in 09 as it was also coupled with my spiritual journey. Being physically sick was just always the easier route. I've actually had a conversation with myself about "needing" to be sick for a couple of reasons. 1. Being sick meant that nothing was expected of me because I was "sick" (literally with chronic bronchitis, flu, colds, etc)...it was a very safe place to be....snuggled under the covers watching tv mostly. 2. It gave me a way to say "no" without hurting anyone's feelings cause I was "sick" (still literally). I didn't realize I had the option of politely saying no to things without losing friends. It was as if I didn't have a right to say no to things. I started with saying "I need time to think about that, can I get back to you?" til I could say "thanks, but I need to pass" (without giving a "good reason" esp if I just was not in the mood or had no desire to do whatever they asked me to). Now, I still get phys sick on occasion, but it's much less and not chronic anymore thank goodness. I've found a freedom from it that I just cannot explain.

As for the SA stuff....still processing that as much as a shady memory allows. I really believe it's easier since I've had a total hysterectomy (not that I advocate it...it was medically necessary for me). I had either been told or read somewhere the SA stuff gets stored in our woman parts and now that I don't have them I'm not haunted by old emotional SA stuff. It's almost like a scar that you can see but no pain exists from it any longer. My shady memories are there and sometimes I get another piece but it doesn't haunt me the way it did.

I wanted to share this because I know the comfort that comes from not facing issues or trying to talk yourself out of what happened...or the "did it happen" thinking that comes along those lines....I struggled for years thinking I made it all up and/or denying what took palce. Not sure any of this makes sense but am posting anyway. Never know what might help you or someone else.

Hang on TW....it does get better and the freedom is amazing and sooo worth the struggle you might have to process it all.

<3
Jamie of Katz Krew