Week of many tears

[Gim]

~I will try to not make this very long but I think it will be. I am sorry in advance.

I have wanted to write this post all week. I have been very triggered and not gotten any better. Actually, everyday things have gotten worse. Been SU several times.

Last Friday out of the blue I had a no brainer idea that my husband could come to my therapy appt with me.  For the first time.  We were going to a college hockey game after my appt across the street from the clinic and he was going to be with me. So...why not.  He has very little knowledge about D.I.D.  We have muddled through him learning and triggering me/parts.  Plan was more of a meet-greet. Let my husband meet T and start build trust aspect. He had emailed her few months ago with some questions so she printed that and had it

My T and I came up with what I thought was some very clear boundaries prior to him joining us. She suggested meeting with him in a different room to maintain the sense of safety within her office.  Which was a good idea.  One of the things that I thought I was clear about is that I did not want any parts coming out. That I wanted them to go back if they did come out and I didn't have any control over it.  She agreed and that was the plan. That is not what happened.

One of the parts that is an introject, came out. T asked what he needed/wanted or something along those lines and then asked him to go back in and send me back out. I don't remember any of it. She told me immediately what happened and that was that. Week later...I still have no clue what happened or what his reasoning was. IF she told me during appt I really don't know.

Towards end of the appt another part came out, Ingrid.  There was conversation about how it is important for her to tell my husband (and anyone) it is her when she comes out. There was another conversation that isn't appropriate to share.   When my t told me what happened and so forth it was very upsetting to me. Ingrid knew I would be upset and told my husband and T that I would get very upset. T told me afterward that she let Ingrid know she would deal with me being upset and go from there. Or whatever....

We left and went to the hockey game.
I left incredible triggered. There were several parts triggered. There was some very serious backlash. T let me know she would be in the office over the weekend and would email as needed. There were few emails on Sunday.  She told me we would discuss things on Monday night at my appt and she wanted Ingrid/myself and her to work this out.

Monday -- I have several doctors appts. Which increases anxiety and upset and all that other crap. As I am leaving for first appt I got a call from Clinic. T was sick and cancelled my appt.  *sigh* ok. Whatever. It happens. It was a HORRIBLE day of appts with an appt at the Lab that an employee will most likely loss her job over.  (My PCP emailed this morning letting me know they took the issue very seriously and it was grounds for immediate termination.)

Fast forward to today. Friends son SU on Tue night, I've had my own SU/ideation and SI stuff, it's been one thing after another. T is still sick. My appt for this afternoon was cancelled again. She was in office 1 day all week. Monday is holiday and next appt is next Wed.  There has litterally been no support after having my husband come to that appointment.  There has been signficant backlash not only for me but from him.  He has completely pulled away and distanced himself from me.  There has been no back up support for either one of us.  My husband is struggling with how to process what happened just as much as I am.  He doesn't realize he is making things worse.  Yet, talking to him about it will only add more gasoline to the fire. My BFF lives 5 states away. She is my ONLY friend that gets DID or even knows.  She is the only one that has been supportive or even knows how to interact with everyone.  Yet, she is too busy with her new job and family.  She's dismissed me several times when I have told her that I needed to talk.

I feel incredible HORRIBLE that T has been so sick. I know she didn't plan on being sick and I know the timing sucks a giant donkey balls.  I am out of coping skills and tools. I really am. I have pulled every hat out of the book this week. It has been worse than the week she was on vacation last month. Here is the %@%+%% thing about this.....many parts/myself have signficant therapist abandonment issues. They were convinced she woudln't come back for good after vacation and something like this would happen.  It has been been history that T's go on vacation and don't come back OR come back and then leave....for good.  The day she came back after being on vacation - scheduling error and someone else got booked into my spot and it was Christmas. The following week it was New Years and she was sick the day of one of my appts that week. Then this happens last week on Fri. This week she is sick.   There is no telling or comforting anyone inside she will be back.  Several parts, are convinced she is no different than everyone else.


OYE. This is way to long. I am so sorry. There is more I could write to go along with it. I might in the comments.

[mosaic]

wow Gim that sounds like such a rough time. it's so rough when T is ill, and we hear/understand abandonment issues. so sorry that husband reacted the way he has - it's very disappointing that he hasn't found a way to be more supportive

please let us know you are safe. it's important when talking about SU/ideation and SI stuff.

sure hope your T is well and that you can see her soon

[nats]

that sounds really hard. seems a shame T couldn't help you get grounded before sending you off with hubby, but perhaps there was no time. still doesn't sound like a well-managed meet and greet tho.

sorry you feel so alone in dealing with the after-effects. not surprised hubby's struggling. many of them never get it. impressive that you tried and maybe he'll come round after some time.

[Gim]

Thanks. I am hanging in there and am safe. There are urges of si but that is a constant issue and comes from one of the parts. Some days tolerance is better than others.

Last night after I shared this post I felt that it would be good to share it in email with T. Of course, I took out the details but the other stuff that was pertinent to her and I. I added a few things that I thought about after the fact.

One of the things that struck me as I was writing it out for her was that I feel over the last week I have lost any "positive" gain that was made over the last few months. I shared wit her that several of parts do not believe she will come back and shared with her some of the things that have happened even though "I" know she is sick, even thought "I" understand that happens....they don't. I know she will get that. Writing and sharing that with her me me feel very guilty. Because I know she is sick and I know she didn't just wake up and decide to have the worst illness causing her to miss week of work. But I felt that it needed to be shared.

Interestingly enough...once I was able to get everyone inside and myself calm enough to head to bed...I slept. I slept hard. I mean very hard. It was close to 2:30am but I fell asleep and stayed asleep. No flashbacks, no night terrors, no anything. My blasted alarm was set for 6:15am. NO idea why and string of curse words later I got up and saw my 16 yr old off to work. Then went back to bed at 7am and slept till my husband woke me up around 10am. I didn't wake up triggered, I didn't wake up with flashbacks, for the first time in the last week I slept for more than 3-4 hrs in one day.

So I think that was probably good thing to get off my chest. I know there were several parts who wanted to chime in and say what they wanted to say. I put a stop to that and made sure that everyone knew if they wanted to say something they needed to be clear enough to ME so I could understand or it wasn't going in email. I also have let them know they are not to send T 5000 emails...(2 of them have their own email accounts and that is how we communicate the others just email her or use voice to text email).

I am hopeful things will look up. history says "any good days are followed up with backlash." I am choosing to not think about that right now.

[mosaic]

it sounds like emailing your T was a very good idea - hurrah for good sleep!