We Are Struggling

[MakersDozn]

We are safe, but we feel stuck in a pit of difficult feelings.

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We feel hopeless, stuck, trapped in our own pain. Much of what we feel is rooted in feelings and experiences of powerlessness, of having no control. We are often hypervigilant and triggered, and we find it hard to stay grounded. We have been working with our T on these issues for a long time, but it seems like a neverending mess. Like a nightmare that doesn't stop.

We find it so difficult to take a step forward. And sitting with the feelings is just as difficult and painful. Conflicting needs, conflicting desires, conflicting feelings. And it seems like there's no way out.

MDs

[mosaic]

we hear you, MDs. we can feel your "trappedness" in how you write.

we're sitting with you if you would like.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, mosaic.

I reached out to people in various places online. One person said that perhaps I was spending too much time in my own head, and might benefit from getting out of the house. I agreed, but it took a great deal of effort to get myself to the point where I felt grounded enough to run errands. Not fully grounded, but grounded enough.

As we got out of our car in the supermarket parking lot, I looked around the shopping center and thought, "Things seem so normal around here. The world is acting as if I haven't gone through any struggle at all."

Of course, I know that the world is a lot bigger than my struggle, but when I'm in the pit of despair, what I experience at that moment is all there is for me. It's hard for me to reconcile the innate dichotomy between subjective experience and meta-reality.

We dropped an item off at the clothing drop, and then we bought vitamins at CVS and a sandwich at the convenience store. And we bought three days' worth of groceries. We need to do laundry, but we have enough to get through the week. Mary reminds me that it's good for me to give myself credit for what I accomplish, even if it doesn't seem or feel like I've accomplished much.

And now I'm afraid that one of two things will happen now that I've said that I'm doing better. Either (1) people will stop participating in the conversation with me, and I'll feel isolated again, or (2) people will continue talking with me and I'll either (a) not know what else to say, or (b) feel too tired or unable to continue. It may seem like I'm being overly dramatic, but it's how I feel, and I need to honor those feelings.

Charity

[The People]

Can I make a comparison here based on my own experience? We have days where like you we get out and do errands. Then other days we cannot even get dressed and if we are forced to get out we are angry at people who dare to laugh together because it hurts our heart.

Our exercise is like that. We have days where we can push forward and do great things and KA especially loves it. Other days, na! We have had to accept the fact that we do have chronic fatigue which is part of celiac disease. We have noticed it more of late. Same issue. Different background. We do what we can. And hope to make it home before we explode.

[Tangled Web]

We can relate to what you have written MDs. Sorry you are going through this. I am glad you feel you can honour the feelings you are having.
TW

[MakersDozn]

Thank you both. I appreciate your support and your sharing.

I am doing better but am still finding all of this a challenge. We were able to deal with things back at work today. I worked hard to remain present, with Allegra helping to get the work done.

I have to take one step at a time. And I have to accept my progress as well as my setbacks.

Charity