Remembering is like

[The People]

I am working on describing flashbacks in my book. I already described what they aren't. They aren't like losing your keys and suddenly remembering that you wore a different coat the last time you were out. Suddenly you remember that but it is because you most likely retraced your steps or something like that.

With flashbacks it is sort of like sustaining brain injury or trauma (well not just like trauma) and when you wake up in H you don't know much of anything. And bit by bit it comes back. That isn't quite it but closer than lost keys.

Opinions?

[Tangled Web]

I can relate to that.
but sometimes for us it is like going white water rafting just before night fall in a long twisty canyon and you can't see what is around the bend..........and sometimes you fall out of the raft and get swept under the water by the current and you can't breath and everything you see is out of focus.

[Unity]

I think there can be two different kind things also that can provocate the dissociation for me, there is psychological pressure, like all kind of 'mind control' kind of thing like cults or psychological abuse, and it can be easy specially with young person to scare them a lot only with indoctrination or manipulation, and situation more related to violent things.

In the same time i guess i have been a bit all the time dissociating more or less and always a bit lost etc for some years so i probably dissociated many things.

I guess it can come back through dreams, specially the kind of dream that portray specific situation in which i must evolve with a sense often of fear or something. It probably relate to some situation i don't remember but in symbolic form, or happening in a situation that trigger the same kind of reaction that i had in the situation.

But mostly it's also the whole emotional state associated with the memory that often prevent the memory to really surface entierely, either because of what it reveal about a situation that the mind can't accept, or because of a sense of threat.

A large part of what i think make the memory hard to really recover in case of 'mind control' or psychological abuse is because it reveal that people can have double face, or hurt people and leiing about it, and this action is hard to integrate into the normal framework of how things normally works, the thing of cognitive dissonance is often associated with mind control or that kind of things, that it's hard to accept that some things can happen and to live everyday in a world where this can happen.

For other kind of situation, it's clear it's amount of stress that is generated by picturing myself back in the situation that make it hard to remember.

But sometime when this kind of things come up full strength it can put me in very bad states.

But i just realized many of these things in the past days by watching this website, i understood so many things.

I think i just 'reconnected' many part of myself, it was very weird what happened to me these past days after i have found this site ! =)

[MakersDozn]

(Includes a description of how we experience flashbacks.)

We'd always thought of flashbacks as full-blown re-experiencing of the memory to the point where the person loses all physical, and cognitive sense of the present. Since this never happens to us, we assumed that we've never had flashbacks.

Not too long ago, while online, we ran across the term "emotional flashback." More recently, we ran across the term "emotional truth." We've always understood that people often retain memories as emotional truth even if the facts become unclear.

But it didn't occur to us until recently that emotional flashbacks were just as legitimate as emotion-based memory retention. We never made the connection between retained emotions and present-day recollection of those emotions. Nor did we realize the impact on emotion-based memories on how we function in the present day.

The flashbacks we do have are emotion-based. We retain a cognitive connection with the here-and-now but become overwhelmed by the re-emergence of stored emotions. It's like a panic attack in intensity, but without the sense of imminent danger. And it feels like an endless loop.

One of the things that's helping us is to validate our emotional truth, both past and present, and being open to letting go of reaction patterns that are no longer helpful to us. It's a long road, but we're doing what we can to move forward.

Charity (with Mary helping)

[Unity]

I think there can be different way i can experience this.

The full flash i think i had this once, i know at least two other people who have similar experience, but when that happened i just didn't understand what was going on, but it's like anyway the memory you have of past event will always have an impact on how you percieve reality at anytime, but with the flash back like thing, it's like the perception of the reality with memory become totally overhelming and i guess there is an aspect yes of loss of identity, loss of perception of the present, or immersion in the memory of the flash back triggered by something, it's the kind of moment when the reaction look totally normal and unquestionable to you, but that everyone else wonder what's going on =) But when this happen it's bad bad lol

There also well the 'micro flash' like dreams or picture or blurred memory flash that can happen, to me it's first stage of the remembering but it mean the memory is still 'too hot' to be fully recovered or something.

With physical trauma, there can be also lot of 'body memory' as body being automatically in certain posture, or certain tension due to either pain or fear, or some area of the body that can be a bit 'disconnected' due to pain or trauma too, with meditation or yoga this kind of things of remembering also the whole trauma + physical pain through relaxation etc i guess it's a bit same kind of things.

The relation between cognition/emotion/physic is always complex anyway, emotion always have an interaction with the physical/physiological side too, it's rather well known that blocked emotion or trauma can also lead to other health problem or vice versa.

The emotional reaction it's already when the mind start to integrate the situation in deeper way than just "flat" flash image, in CBT they say emotion are produced by our cognitive  perception of the world, so if that is true, it mean the emotional flash back is linked also to the integration of this memory with the sense of self also on a cognitive level, even if the emotional intensity make it hard to keep the 're realisation' (opposite of derealisation of dissociation) going or held in the mind for too long without being emotionally overwhelmed by emotion.

When the thing sink fully to me is when the full cognitive realisation can take place and that the system can handle the emotional reaction, both when faced with memory and by events who can trigger this memory, but it's when for me also the person might need to get into a little bit philosophy or spirituality to keep a positive outlook on the world and sorting out a certain number of things that are more of philosophical level too.

[The People]

Thanks everybody. I wasn't aware that you never had flashbacks, the sort of full senses turned on like a hot water tap kind that I have. No answer required of course but were you always conscious of some things? have friends who have always remembered.

[MakersDozn]

We remember significant trauma events, but we block out the feelings until/unless we're ready to deal with them. We don't have memory gaps, but we don't remember absolutely everything; very few people do, including non-survivors.

We do think that some of our behaviors overlap those of CSA survivors, even though we have no memory of any CSA. We've always been extra-sensitive to sensory input, so it's possible that we've simply had extreme reactions to normal touch. But we'll never know, and we don't want to go looking for that kind of information.

MDs

[The People]

We once had a woman telll us that the emotions re events is often the last thing to show up. We can track back ot how the least harmful memories came first. Although they were horrid it was like the brain let out (or Gabriel did) what was easiest to comprehend first. The red dpt stuff came last although other stuff still comes in dribs and drabs.

[Unity]

We do think that some of our behaviors overlap those of CSA survivors, even though we have no memory of any CSA. We've always been extra-sensitive to sensory input, so it's possible that we've simply had extreme reactions to normal touch. But we'll never know, and we don't want to go looking for that kind of information.


I have this thing to of avoiding physical contact, specially in france i notice there is often lot of physical contact involved with smacking girl to say hi, or handshake, and i often been told i look a bit aloof with this, or girl think i avoid them because of this, but well it's hard to explain lol In england and usa it get less noticed because there is less physical contact and it's less weird if you just say hi and that's it =)

A girl once told me this also that i had all the same reflex and attitude with this than csa, but i think any kind of violence, or authority abuse, physical over powering of any sort can do this kind of reaction. I'm pretty sure plenty of victim of police abuse/torture can have this kind of things too.

But i guess it can be related with memories that are not totally in a fully "cognitive level" like more physiological/emotional/physical reactions that are more instinctive than psychological. Specially with dissociation, it's a bit linked to what is described in the other article i posted, that when the regular flow of memory is disrupted because of high stress/dissociation, it can be hard to remember everything in a normal manner, but plenty of reflex in attitude, emotional reaction can still be also considered as a memory of some trauma or threatening situation, or resulting from it.



But sometime i know for plenty of things or period it's like i keep some minimum of key event and things to keep a coherent explanation for some period of time, but i knoiw it's only partial, but sufficient to explain most of what i can be asked about, but when i'm asked more in detail, or more in depth than just mechanical series of event, it's clear it become different to really be able to be immersed in the memory and compose a more consistent and coherent explanation of my behavior etc it's just like head breaking maze with plenty of intense emotion linked to it lol It's the kind of case where it can do a bit like tangled web spoke in the other thread with lungs paralysis or idk when i feel totally unable to give a coherent and consistent account of some period of my life =) Even if i can still intelectually and superficially explain to a degree to explain quickly to someone, it's not the same than totally accepting the whole situation with the whole emotional/physical and sense of self and presence etc