just too much (long, cussing, TW)

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

ranting, frustrated and pissed off feelings and mention of death. also gratuitous use of the word 'f*ck'.

so yesterday had been mostly a good day, despite the weekend date. ended on a mostly good mood.

then i tried to go to bed.

could not sleep. or rather, kept falling into enough of a doze to start to dream disjointed images that were disturbing to say the least only to jerk awake. repeatedly. in between my dog kept whining. my cat was knocking sh*t over. and my anxiety level just kept kicking up every damn time we woke up.

the last time we woke up, we'd been trying to sleep for two hours. two freakin' hours of unsuccessful sleep attempts. to find the notification light on my phone blinking. which was a msg from our f*ck*ng b*tch wh*re of a mother telling us our father is in the f*ck*ng hospital AGAIN... this time with pneumonia... and will be in till next week sometime. when i'm going out of town.

besides the fact that he was just in the hospital a few months ago, and that he has bad lungs over all (actually had either 1/3 or 2/3 of one of them removed) and has been on oxygen since the last f*ck*ng time he was in... and besides the fact that i have not SPOKEN to my b*tch wh*re mother for almost as long bc b*tch started in on my daughter and i finally told her off and refused to answer her txts, calls or e-mails... i'm going out of town for three weeks on Wednesday and i am NOT cancelling my trip, not for this. i don't think i would cancel it even if he was in danger of imminent death. too many of us have NOT forgiven him in the slightest, even if we HAVE been trying to help him and his system the last couple years, come to terms with sh*t (mostly about the fact of being multiple and that certain kinds of therapy SO NOT GOOD for them- not about any kind of abuse, especially not in regards to us).

so we gave up trying to f*ck*ng sleep. because it's obviously not happening. and the stars have f*ck*ng aligned to remind us why today is such a sh*t day for us.

and then, on top of that, while figuring if we can't f*ck*ng sleep might just run to the store and pick a few things up, we find out that our f*ck*ng food stamps have been cut in f*ck*ng HALF. we weren't even making ends meet BEFORE this sh*t. The ONLY reason we have been managing at ALL is because our daughter lives with us and spends way more money on us for sh*t than she should. now they cut our food stamps in half AGAIN? REALLY?? f*ck*ng REALLY??

i just wanna f*ck*ng scream and cry and rage bc this is f*ck*ng ridiculous. this is so f*ck*ng ridiculous i just don't even know what to do or think bc really, why not just go ahead and cut us off completely? they've been dropping the amount STEADILY for the last two years and believe me, our financial situation has NOT gotten better. we're on f*ck*ng SSI for christ's sake!! we don't even f*ck*ng QUALIFY for SSDI. and our f*ck*ng state only pays the barest minimum required by federal law. we've been hanging on by a f*ck*ng thread for years. we've been short a couple hundred dollars every damn month since our ex got the f*ck out in September and literally the only reason we've managed at all is because of the f*ck*ng pittance food stamps and our daughter. and NOW they cut THAT even MORE?? are you f*ck*ng KIDDING ME??? what the actual f*ck do they think I'm doing here?? and why the f*ck is MY sh*t so screwed up? I know people who can actually WORK and have part time JOBS and make more money than we do who get THREE f*ck*ng TIMES the amount we are NOW getting!! what. the. f*ck????

so yeah, wonderful f*ck*ng start to a sh*t day.

[MakersDozn]

Hiya,

gratuitous use of the work 'f*ck'

Not only allowed, but encouraged.

We're sorry about the cut in food stamps. Don't get us started about government people who don't give a sh*t.

We hope that getting away from the FOO for a while will at least help some of all this stuff ease off. And we hope that your money situation gets better.

MDs

PS: We really identify with sleep problems. Hope that gets better too.