comment on blame..

[nats]

what do you think?:

"The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life."

[Tangled Web]

Wow this is complex and I love questions like this.
I believe that you do need to take responsibility for your own life..........In saying that though, I believe that means that you take responsibility for your own choices. Adult choices. That is hard to do sometimes because we all make poor choices in our lives but taking responsibility for them is the beginning of change. It then turns into a learning process. IMO. As adult survivors we are taught to put the blame or responsibility on the abusers because we were children, I agree with this and still find it extremely hard to do ..............
How I understand this statement though coming from this perspective........what it is saying to me in regards to my own life and my own experiences and I might be going to a deeper level here and hopefully will be able to get the message across in a clear way.......There are two ways to look at this message, one from a survivors point of view and the other way as a more general way. I am going to focus more on my own survivors point of view. And please note that I don't mean to offend anyone with my words and I am speaking only from my own experience.......

It says to me that blame can keep you stuck in the past and hinders change. We were at a point in our own journey many years ago where we used our personal history of abuse as an excuse to why we did the things we did. Blaming my parents for the things they did to us and creating what I thought was a monster inside of me. The way I behaved was ALL there fault and in doing that it was like giving me permission to keep doing the things I was doing. It also gave them all the power over my life and MY happiness. Now don't me wrong here.....it WAS their fault and it still is BUT what I do with that and how I CHOSE to act is my own choice and my own responsibility. That is what I think this statement above is saying. That is what I have learned. Making changes in my life and accepting responsibility for my OWN actions doesn't absolve them of the things THEY did to me. They still are to blame for their own actions and need to be held accountable for those things and the responsibility lies on them BUT it is now my responsibility and my choice what to do with it. Does that make sense?

"The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.--This statement tells me that if you take responsibility for your choices and learn from your own mistakes you have a better chance at making your dreams come true. Only you, yourself know how to make yourself happy and only you can take responsibility for your own life now as adults.

When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility--This one is harder to explain and agree with. I think you can blame others for what they did to you BUT like I said above it is your choice what you do with that. If you are just at the point where blame consumes you (and that is ok if that is where you are at and I don't think that is wrong unless you stay stuck there) and can't move past that then you are not able to take responsibility for your own actions. Not fully, not to the extent where you can say yes they did this but it is now it is my choice and my decision what to do about it – ----you give others power over that part of your life." I agree with this. You do give them the power over that part of your life. This is something I am recently learning on more deeper level. I wasn't able to see the power my parents still have over my life, but in all honesty they still did/do. For example.......keeping their secrets prevents me from healing......And choosing to do that I am letting them have the power and control over my healing process. Yes, sure there are reasons I do this but they are my parents reasons not mine. They are my parents logic..........but ultimately it is MY choice now. My responsibility. So I am now choosing to take my own power back and I am starting to believe that it is worth fighting for.
TW

[Downtherabbithole]

I've got the self punching bag all down pact. I've got a whole part associated with hating the parts inside that were weak for allowing abuse from childhood to adult hood. She's the army chic, angry drill sergeant. I used to think she was just angry, but I found one day as I got to know her better. She blames me, she blames us for being too weak, not the man or men who did what they did. Now I realise this may not be exactly the point your trying to make its just what comes to mind when read about blame. The words I'm the one to blame. I was always the one to blame come to mind. Maybe one day ill find a middle ground. That's just where I'm at today.

[Tangled Web]

Hi Down the Rabbithole. I also have someone inside who blames us for what happens. I was not talking above about blaming a child or a victim/survivor of any kind of abuse. It is NOT their fault. The point I was trying to make is that it is your choice/responsibility for what you do with it. I was coming from the perspective that no one can hold a gun to your head and tell you-you HAVE to do this now. It is a choice. Mind you, you also have to have the right tools to make those types of choices and the correct information. It is hard and I know that, It is very difficult BUT once you start talking your power BACK by making the hard choices and following through with them, taking responsibility for your own healing process...... it is also VERY empowering. It is a process, and I do believe that if you keep working on it you will find that place where you would like to be. Hope is also hard to have while you are in the midst of horrible things.
Others inside don't agree with this and are stuck and struggle every day with this. Also I am coming from a very different place than they are. I didn't have those horrible things done to me, I am just around to help and this is just my opinion.
Kathy

[Downtherabbithole]

I understand u weren't blaming the child victim. I guess it's cause I've been no better at dealing with creaps or preditors day at ages 29 than I did as a kid that I think blame comes so readily just as preditors n dodgy ppl seem to, like I attract them somehow, another reason for self blame. I have just had a thought. Maybe the reason I havnt been able to deal any better with dodgy ppl or unwanted advances or attackers now than when was a kid, could that be because the one triggered is a kid n is thus the one taking the further ab¥se n attacks even if body is in 20's responds as a child would because that part that takes the stuff is a child.... Hm maybe I've been so used to thinking I was a one person for so long and didn't understand or accept that being a many person is different than a one person n I shouldn't expect myself to react as a one person would. ... Does that make sense at all? ..

[Tangled Web]

Yes that totally makes sense. For years I thought I had the word damaged tattooed on me somewhere that predators or dodgy people only could see. Like they had x-ray vision or something. I was a total magnet for them. I felt it was me and completely blamed myself for the choices I made. The thing was I didn't know I actually HAD a choice, or what other choices there were out there. You do get to a point where all you can see is the victim within you, at least that was my experience. I had no way out. BUT there is a way out. There ARE other choices, there will ALWAYS be dodgy people in the world BUT that doesn't mean I have to let them into MY life. I got tired of it and enough was enough. Not to say that was easy and I still let dodgy people into my life to a point but I am better at identifying them and shutting them out once I figure it out. It is hard because those type of people are familiar to us. It is what we were accustomed to. It isn't anymore. We deserve better. I have always been an introvert and never found much use for a lot of people in my life. Things get to complicated. But that is another story...........

[MakersDozn]

Hi TW,

Your last post speaks to me on so many levels. I haven't worked through the issues that are involved, but I do want you to know that I identify.

Thanks and take care,

Charity