(02-05-2014, 05:47 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: (02-05-2014, 01:54 PM)tweeter Wrote: Whatever got in your way is a done deal, which isn't the most comforting thought in the world. To me, the fact that you wrote the card and still agree with its message is very meaningful.
My advice is to let that apology, its intent(s), resonate throughout your being. Forgive and accept yourselves. I know what deep regret feels like, and, in my case, to have an apology refused. Some things can't be fixed. It might be good when then there's further opportunity to try, and to put a limit how far to go. Either way, my imperfect advice stands.
tweeter
Hi tweeter. The thing is that I don't think I agree with the message anymore. The sadness comes from feeling the need to apologize for something that I could never be to my parents.
The apology came from that place where you believe everything that happened was your fault. And the weight of that and the pain it creates is just a reminder...... Along with all of the "old" messages..............
You are so very right that some things just can't be fixed. I used to think that if I could just figure out WHY and find the answers to all those questions that started with the word WHY, it would somehow make things better. But it doesn't. This is something you just can't fix or rationalize or find a good enough reason to make it ok. They all just turn out sounding like excuses and there are no excuses to EXCUSE their behavior or change what happened. That has start to sink in and I am not dealing with shock waves that has created very well. Thanks for responding.
tangled
tangled, thank you for taking the time to explain what you're going through. Maybe some people here know because you've written about it, but I either didn't read those posts, or forgot. I'm going to personalize my answer to you, because I can talk this way re what I know/perceive of myself. I can't really know you. But, I think we are turning the same pages, if differently.
The question of Why?
I have asked of myself why I didn't act according to my heart three years ago; why I shine with all my heart towards certain people (not many) and when they reciprocate, I recoil as if struck, etc. I have had instances of this recently, which caused me to sit quietly and wait for an answer from unconscious. It came. Surprised me.
I could take apart verbal interactions. That's easy. Verbal behavioral reflexes are much slower. When the verbal is bypassed, because it wasn't originally operational, then the speed is mind-boggling. Because of my work in MA, I can deal with speed like that, sometimes.
I experienced a bit of what happened to me (not described) when I was a baby, in terms of the intent of the mother and how I felt and reacted. I don't know why she acted that way and I won't, because I never knew either of my parents. I lived with them, but didn't know them. That wasn't my fault.
I didn't know when the little affection I got would be followed by abuse. The baby recoiled in a kind of primal fear, and then I played d**d, because it was the only way to stop her. I related that from an occurrence I have long remembered clearly from when I was around 3. Fast forward to present day. I know what I need to receive and what I have to give in return. I know why I was so attracted on different levels to trainman, and do wish we could meet again and resolve the rift caused by FM, and my inability to respond then. Reasons from the distant past, from being bullied by FM, from feeling trainman's inner pain and having experienced his unpredictability. However, it was worth seeing thru to the right end, whatever that could have been.
Tangential thoughts on Denial:
Instead, I went into denial (adult version of "playing d**d"). Aside from a balm for thoughts and feelings that are painful, denial can be a way of staying safe by distracting an ab*s*r. Let's say an abuser, someone else, is an accomplished denial artist, at a level I would not wish to reach. The danger to the other person occurs when that person insists that I share a state of denial, in order to deny my own needs and feelings, to sacrifice them so that this person can continue in his/her denial loop.
I think it would be helpful for me to know what went on within my parents who, IMO, were both n*ts. I knew at 3 that it was the mother's problem, not mine. On the other hand, all thru childhood and beyond (to this day) I have been expected to take blame, no matter what role I played. A horrific pattern which I can't take anymore. I would sometimes take blame, or do the silent equivalent, to spare someone else, and/or for me not to suffer more loss. That is not to say I never spoke up, but I was drowned out, as they had no reason to care what I said.
I took too much responsibility, and I don't want to do that anymore. I did the wrong thing. In some ways, I was continuing the behavior of infancy, which prevented me from the full extent of what should have been my emotional development. It's very clear to me, that which come into awareness over the last week or so.
The Why of the mother's behavior is something to which there is a bond, formed by her, which yielded a negative introject that has pretty much ruined my life. How I became sensitive to this dynamic is part of my martial arts work which I don't discuss. I realized that I had something to deal with in 2005, in Al-Anon. The groundwork began in 1990. It becomes like separating a parasitic plant from the original plant. To achieve an actualized self, not without its own flaws, but not so affected by those imposed. Not for a minute.
The Why is pretty much always incomplete. However, at each level of experience, there are things that can be done to improve one's behavior, such that happiness is possible (and not just other people's).
It is in your post and explanation that I realized that I have done the best I can with a lot of hard work. I have long felt that I was tired of taking blame as a vehicle of giving a cause to someone else's denial of responsibility of ab*s*v* behavior towards me, or even of denial of the occurrence of the behavior (which was said to be a figment of my imagination).
I now find myself struggling with opportunity to make an official statement very carefully, re something unrelated to family that happened some years ago. If I don't do this, it will cause me irreparable emotional harm at the very least. Nothing is safe in this endeavor. So, I do what's right for ME, and not unjust.
I hope that something written here will help you to feel better. Been a bit wordy.
take good care,
tweeter
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