ANGER

[Tangled Web]

We have been so very angry lately. Enraged might be a better word for it. This isn't the type of anger that blankets the pain because no tears comes to our eyes when feeling it or recognizing we feel it. This is more a purer type of anger. It is solid and draining and never ending.
We got angry the night after our therapy session at our T and I still don't why. But everything all of a sudden became her fault. It was her fault we were feeling this way or thinking the things we were thinking and then it was like how dare she do this to us. Do what you might ask.......well that I have no idea what that is. But the anger is still there.
Then we received a call from my son's case worker and it did not go well either. She was abrasive and demanding and manipulating and trying to "play" me well that started that anger up ALL over again. Someone ended up telling her off and what they thought of her.....well in a mild way.... but swearing was present and all that keeps going through my mind is how dare she, and does she have any idea who she is f*ck*n with! Paint us into a corner and expect us to just this sh*t, well she has another thing comin if she didn't think we would come out fighting and I guess that is exactly what we did.
I guess I am feeling a little bit disturbed by all this because it feels like I am losing control. I am trying hard to hold onto it but any little thing seems to set us off lately and every time it happens I feel like I lose a little bit more control............
Thanks for listening
Emma

[MakersDozn]

Hi Emma,

We're sorry that you're going through this. We understand the kind of anger that you talk about--we have been dealing with it for quite some time.

In our case it largely lives within one particular member of the system. It's especially difficult to deal with when the person in question doesn't seem to want to let go of it.

We hope that things get better for you soon.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

I can understand that and it is difficult to deal with when that person won't let it go. It fuels so much inside and sets others off until it is more like a rage. infuriating burning rage.
It is so hard to talk about it because we worry so much about hurting someone with the words...........so we try so hard to lock it inside to avoid that but it spills out like last weekend. It gets really hard taking responsibility for everyone else's actions inside and trying to keep everything under control. Thanks for listening.
Emma

[nats]

Just thinking out loud here, but if someone was always trying to control me and suggesting my anger was wrong, I'd probably explode at all sorts of inconvenient times. I am always angry. Others here have just learnt to help me channel it into productive ways more often than not. It doesn't 'cure' my anger, anger is part of me, but it gives it a more socially-acceptable outlet.

[Tangled Web]

Hi nats. I wasn't suggesting that their anger is wrong but how they express it or what they do with it sometimes is. We don't have others to help us channel it yet and they don't seem to listen to us at all! And the only thing I try to control is whatever it takes to keep "us" functioning so we can go to work and fulfill the responsibilities of our life.

[MakersDozn]

(10-28-2013, 10:52 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Hi nats. I wasn't suggesting that their anger is wrong but how they express it or what they do with it sometimes is. We don't have others to help us channel it yet and they don't seem to listen to us at all! And the only thing I try to control is whatever it takes to keep "us" functioning so we can go to work and fulfill the responsibilities of our life.

We agree with this and identify with it as well.

MDs

[The People]

Hi Emma. We go through this with Alexa. She holds our anger. Bit by bit we are getting to see what is underneath it but it is protection mode.

Some social workers can be asses. Knew some through my work years ago and they needed more help than we did; or our clients. So glad we never had to deal with them for own help as kicking them in the shins would have been tempting.

2 Thoughts.: Our T gave us a new book. It has mandalas in it. If you like to colour perhaps you could find some online and print them off. I remember someone used to find some here and paste the link. We find them to be helpful as each bit is so small and we have to focus so theydo what they are supposed to do.

Also, what if you wrote a note to the Social Worker. Do you remember why she was calling? Checking in? An issue to deal with? does she know about being multiple? Perhaps a written note could clarify things better and explain that you had just come from a rough T and timing was off. Or if she truly is an *ss write a clear letter with examples of why, stating that you feel that it would be better for your mental health if you had a different social worker.

As MD said and I have been told since I was very young (by one of my mother's alters) it is not what I say it is how I say it. We all have a right to our opinions. However, swear words mixed in sort of smudge the message. Good luck in sorting things out.

[Tangled Web]

Hi The People. Thanks for suggestion of colouring, we will definitely give it a try. The social worker was calling to give me information on what my son needs in terms of clothes. She was very manipulating and a liar and spoke in a very abrasive manner which must of triggered someone inside, not entirely sure anymore who that was exactly. I did speak with her boss and I will not have to deal with her anymore and will deal directly with her boss, which I am thankful for. No one in my life knows we are multiple except my T and a friend. No one knows we are seeing a T either. That part of our life remains hidden from EVERYONE. So we can't talk about what the conversation did to us other than report her behaviours to her supervisor, which we did.
I must admit, which I never realized until now......that kind of anger scares me. Anger never generally scares me at all actually I have always felt it quite empowering and gave us energy to fight, but this type of anger is different and I don't like it or how it makes me feel.
Thanks for responding.
Emma

[The People]

So glad that standing up for yourself worked out. Every time we do this that childhood sense of powerlessness decreases. As for them not knowing you have T it doesn't matter. None of their business. However, if they ever suggested I am sure that your T would have your back and tell them that you are a good and caring mother who is doing the best that you can. But unless they ask just leave it be or they will snoop more. I have no idea why some people are social workers. So f*ck*d up themselves that they figure fixing someone else will make them better. But if your hands are broken you cannot fix those of someone else. Same goes with the spirit.

[MakersDozn]

Hi Emma,

We too are glad that you stood up to the social worker and reported her. It's very frustrating to come across people in helping professions who aren't very helpful.

We identify with what you said about this kind of anger scaring you. The folks in our system have varied reactions to Rachel's anger. Some are not afraid of it, but others are. What does help is (1) talking to our T about it, and (2) working together with as many others on the inside as are able and willing. If we work together, the anger cannot divide or weaken us, and it is more likely to lose its potency when it meets continued resistance.

Sending you supportive thoughts.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Thanks for your support everyone.

We have been doing a lot of thinking lately trying to figure out what exactly what happened so maybe we can prevent it from happening again. I have thought about putting this post on the T board but decided to put it here instead because it is more about feelings than T.
Our T has proven to us that she is very good at what she does.........It has been such a very, very long time since we have experienced such emotions from within us and it took me completely by surprise. And scared the hell out of me. Not exactly sure how this happened because this place we have scratched unexpectedly hasn't been gotten to for YEARS!

This might sound really stupid but I just figured when people would tell me this was going to be hard work, that my understanding of that was well yes I know that.........but I thought it would be hard in the way of keeping things under control and functioning and talking..........and contained most of all.
I had no idea it would be this HARD! You put feelings into the mix of that and all hell breaks lose. You start to make connections and realizations you didn't know were there and it is defeating in a sense. Accepting is very hard. Then there comes the conflict from within........wanting to run very far away from it all.......and wanting to talk to T. Talking to T makes things worse inside. And the people who control the defenses are rapidly trying to figure out what happened so they can prevent it from happening again. I am trying to change the way I say things ....like she isn't trying to get to us, she isn't doing this to destroy us........but it is so hard when we feel threatened. I don't know why we feel threatened but we do.........this is ALL so very new and I think well this is progress..........but it doesn't feel like progress......it feels like the undoing of us.
Something inside just clicked.....don't know how it happened......but to realize my parents were monsters......and so very sick and dysfunctional.........and yes even though I fought very hard to NOT be like them........I still think the way they do!
So trying accept the fact that when we say oh it wasn't that bad ............but starting to realize it was "that bad" or maybe it was that bad...................has left us frozen, stuck.........It was a huge blow!
Realizing that it isn't enough ALL the things we portray to the outside and try so very hard to be a good person.........and keep ALL the thoughts "hidden" of how we really feel or what we really think.......and seeing that for the first time and how we adapt ourselves to every situation so no one will know..........was a shock. A huge shock!
So much has happened internally and it snow balled like a domino effect and they all fell down.
We are supposed to see T on Tuesday and I have decided to keep that appointment and fight the strong urge we have to run and go. And even though it terrifies the hell out of me..........maybe she can help put the words to what has been happening. And help figure out where we go from here. I was in T for 4 years with our previous T and NEVER got to this place...........So that is one of the reasons this was so unexpected. I didn't think it was possible.

It just feels like everything is a lie. A fantasy...........that we have created. Yes I understand there are reasons but they never seem to be good enough. Things I believed that everyone thinks like that.....they just don't say it out loud.......and realizing that is NOT true. So I ask myself....what else is NOT true...........but I don't have the strength or courage to find those answers right now.
How do you accept all of this and then forgive yourself? My T has told us numerous times.....but that is what you learned growing up........your parents taught you that. That doesn't seem to be a good enough reason either........ok so they taught me that so what?

I guess I find myself looking at the world I have lived in for the last 40 some odd years thinking it wasn't that bad.......and seeing this other world in front of us and actually seeing it and looking at it..........it is so very different, strange, terrifying, and confusing. I have tried to compare and find similarities but they are so very different. So I am starting to see and look at where I am but so unsure if this "new" world I am seeing is actually the right place to try to go. How do you know? Just because T says so isn't enough for me. There needs to be something more.......there needs to be some kind of proof.........something........but I am not sure what that is yet.

So things have been chaotic and add the feelings to that it has been down right impossible to make any kind of sense out of this. I have been chipping away at it and trying to sort it all out but the chunk that has fell off is much bigger than I could ever have imagined.
Sorry if this hasn't made a heck of a lot of sense........it is hard to finish a complete thought and have things flow.......
Thanks for listening.
Emma

[argent]

Good for you, taking action and talking to the social worker's boss. When we feel this kind of anger, it seems to need a target, to help move it through me and stop festering and draining my energy. I pin a picture of the one who is the offender to the top of a pile of pillows. Then I take a plastic bat and beat it to pieces and keep beating til I can't lift my arms. No one sees or hears it, and it works for me. Not so wonderful for the pillows ;-)

[Tangled Web]

That sounds like an excellent idea and just might work for me also! Thanks for the suggestion. Now to just be able to find some pictures.............

[argent]

Sometimes I just draw a picture if I've run out of photocopies of him or if it's someone or a situation of whom I do not have a photograph. That's when my crayons and paper come in handy. I have some heavier paper stock that I bought at Staples, so it takes a heavier beating before it becomes confetti. Oh yeah, I safety pin it in several spots so it stays in place for its beating. I feel good just thinking about it. Hope it helps. Be kind to yourself, after this kind of purge. I get tired, but exuberant. Then I put my anger away in a safe, strong closet with the intention that when I check back, I may find a clue, another flake or breadcrumb to help me understand its absolutely, justifiable roots. If it's ready before I am, we agree, it just taps politely on the door. What my anger has revealed to me may be too painful to accept at that moment, but at least we have another piece of the puzzle. I don't get hijacked as often since I started doing this. Take care, swing away!

[nats]

thanks argent. going to suggest this to daughter