Tapped Out

[Melody]

I've been in a deep depression lately!!! I'm finding out that I have more and more inside people, and they've been coming out very fast and close together. By the te I get finished working with one, another comes out. It's starting to get extremely overwhelming. I have 157 total and five new ones have come out in the last month. I haven't been able to see my therapist in several months which means I'm having to deal with this pretty much ALONE! I have a friend that helps me all she can but I know better than unload all this stuff on her. My husband used to be a big support but he's really overwhelmed because he can't "fix" me. I'm just really tired this all wears me out because I'm trying to put up a front to others that I am normal. I don't share the fact that I have d.i.d. With only a couple people. I'm trying to maintain two worlds and I am so tired, depressed, and I feel very, very alone. My husband wants me to be happy because he can't handle my depression. So I try to put on a front for him and try not to let him see me struggle. I try to hold back my tears when he is around and cry when he's not. If you have any suggestions or advice please don't hesitate.

[MakersDozn]

Hi, Melody,

We're sorry it's been so difficult for you. If it helps any, we identify with most of what you've written, except the husband part, as we've never had one.

Please know that it does get better. At times it may not seem as if it will, but it will.

We're glad that you're comfortable enough to share here. That's a good step forward.

Mary and Allegra

[Melody]

Thank you Mary and Allegra.

[orek]

Dang, I just lost my whole comment. I hate my new netbook. That's partly why I don't come here as often anymore. To recap, briefly:

I'm sorry it's so hard. I can relate to feeling obliged to put up a happy front at home, despite the supportive partner. It seems too hard, or unfair, to burden day-to-day functioning with the deep struggles and depression that claw at us. I'm curious: why the lack of therapy right now? Can you throw an occasional email to your T for support? It's good your insiders are communicating, but maybe there's a way to slow it down, for everyone's sake, maybe agree to set aside a certain amount of time every day or weekend or whenever, depending upon your schedule, for a certain number of them to write, draw, tell their stories. Our insiders signed up for time at therapy, which, much to my surprise, worked. Maybe they would agree to that? It may seem as if nothing would slow down the barrage of insiders and memories, but it's worth dialoguing and seeing what may work, esp. if insiders see that it's to their advantage, as well, and that you'll honor the agreement with them, whatever it is (so make it realistic!).

We also haven't told others about our DID, except our partner and T (and a couple of DID friends who were there when I was initially diagnosed but who are not a part of my life anymore). It's really a drain to keep the struggles hidden behind a functional front. We have to remind ourselves that we are dealing with a lot, and so the fatigue and myriad of stressful emotions make sense.

I wish we had more suggestions. Just one more: be gentle with yourselves, find ways to self-nurture. You are doing good, hard work. You deserve moments of joy and relief, too. Even little gestures of comfort can help soothe. For instance, we sleep better with certain toys that the kids associate with comfort. Occasionally we feel like blowing them off, then we have trouble sleeping until we go get the items. It may not alleviate all the anxiety, etc., nor does it reduce nightmares. But it does provide enough soothing to take the edge of the kids' panic so we can settle down and fall asleep most nights.

Take care. And keep writing here if you can.--orek

[MakersDozn]

Hi from Joseph to orek! And it is good to see you.

And hi to Melody too. And I am 8 and a half. And this is me:

And maybe your inside people could pick a buddy on the inside. Different people with different buddies. Which will maybe help them to feel better and have someone to talk to. So you will not feel so much stuff all the time. Cuz we have big brothers and big sisters inside but maybe you do not like those words so maybe they can be buddies instead.

Joseph