How Do You Handle Differences Within?

[MakersDozn]

How does your system handle differences within? Not disagreements about what to have for dinner, but major philosophical and personality differences that cause (or can cause) ongoing conflict?

The nature of the collective self dictates that there will be commonalities throughout the system. But differentiating into individual members dictates that each member is there for a reason, and often shows uniqueness in ways that may seem incompatible with others inside.

In our case, it's been difficult accepting that we even have these differences. We grew up during the "Brady Bunch" era, and we spent a lot of time watching it and other shows where problems were minor and were resolved in half an hour. This was the way that we envisioned our system, because this was how we wanted our life to be.

Some of us lash out at each other in ways that would have shocked us (or some of us) at the beginning of our journey. Others retreat into silence. Our best resource within is the fact that we're all committed to healing. Our best outside resource is our T, and online forums like MM come in as a close second.

How do you handle differences within?

MDs

[cew]

Great question. We're working on it. Differences are not handled; they are the source of much internal conflict and outer inconsistency. Yes, to difficulty accepting the differences, especially when they are literally opposite ideas, opinions, preferences. Quite frustrating.

[nats]

differences aren't really handled, more balanced between. when things are going well and there is a goal most can agree on then at least the differences pull in the same direction. when there isn't a suitable goal, big or small, then we spin aimlessly in circles without being able to decide what to do. so, maybe differences are dealt with by finding goals that can be broken down into recognisable chunks (i.e. baby steps) so that at least those not participating aren't interfering. hard to do with vague longterm goals like T - probably why it didn't really work for us... hmm, don't know.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you both. cew, we hear your frustration and identify. And nats, breaking things down into smaller chunks is a great idea. A number of us are not very patient, but we know that we have to take small steps to make it less difficult to work through challenges.

MDs

[Cammy]

My one very disturbed teenager has been acting out a lot and quite against our will and well beyond our control. I finally had to try to get to the bottom of it so I let her (Fagan) have her own journal and invited her to write anything and everything she wanted to. It turned out that she had some very horrendous pain and anger that she was carrying for quite understandable reasons. I was able to read her side of things and realize that she just needs validation in the outside world. Once she was allowed to express herself and be understood and embraced and acknowledged, the acting out stopped. She had been carrying this anger, pain, and resentment for many decades and was literally exhausted and quite ready to negotiate a new course of action. It worked.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks for replying, Igraine. We can identify with Fagan's experience. We're glad that she's found a way to begin healing.

MDs