Fed up with being me

[Deborah of DDDs]

Hi, was on the old boards, have not written for several years . . . here I am in pain.

I am so sick of struggling with being me. Do other people have fantasies of jumping out of yourself and into someone else? There are some things I like about myself but I am so SICK of the struggling.

I keep isolating because it is a big effort to take the chance that someone likes me enough to spend time with me. And I don't believe anyone wants to hear how I really feel. Except my t, and she's been gone for 3 weeks (yes, that makes me angry). Anyway, hours and hours alone! Why is that?? But I am too angry to "get help" -- I am in 12-step programs (many years) but I don't want to be "comforted" by being distracted. YES I care about others and I am glad to be of service to them. But after all that I am f***g alone!

See, "scared Debbie" keeps coming up -- she is 8-10, I don't know, and she is the one who totally believe the voices that yell at us. So I keep feeling undeserving and worthless -- and hopeless, cynical, on the adult side. Sometimes an adult "I" can talk to her -- that is my big accomplishment this year -- telling her this is my parents' stuff and we don't have to listen to them any more. But the best I can do at times like that is to drop expectations of doing something, just cry or sleep, and it's better afterward.

BUT it KEEPS coming up! over and over!!! And I keep hating being me.

This all got started (the latest intense version) because I have been undertaking doing something I really wanted to do, and I am sometimes doing it, and the rest of the time I am *paying* for it. Out of fear of rejection and being left alone, believing no one wants to hear the real me. Exhausting and frustrating. And so many challenges I still haven't faced.

Well, thank you for listening. I know some of you understand, even though you don't have answers either. I am angry and sick of being patient and taking it one day at a time and watching the days of my f***g life go by like this (feeling old). Thank you for your patience.

Deborah and angry ones of DDD's

[nats]

(10-20-2012, 02:38 AM)Deborah of DDDs Wrote: I am angry and sick of being patient and taking it one day at a time and watching the days of my f***g life go by like this (feeling old).

Sooo true! Agreeing 1000%

[Deborah of DDDs]

Thanks, Nats. T came back from vacation -- at least I am trusting her somewhat. And I do have friends -- it's just hard to hang on to when I'm alone.

[Melody]

(10-20-2012, 02:38 AM)Deborah of DDDs Wrote: Hi, was on the old boards, have not written for several years . . . here I am in pain.

I am so sick of struggling with being me. Do other people have fantasies of jumping out of yourself and into someone else? There are some things I like about myself but I am so SICK of the struggling.

I keep isolating because it is a big effort to take the chance that someone likes me enough to spend time with me. And I don't believe anyone wants to hear how I really feel. Except my t, and she's been gone for 3 weeks (yes, that makes me angry). Anyway, hours and hours alone! Why is that?? But I am too angry to "get help" -- I am in 12-step programs (many years) but I don't want to be "comforted" by being distracted. YES I care about others and I am glad to be of service to them. But after all that I am f***g alone!

See, "scared Debbie" keeps coming up -- she is 8-10, I don't know, and she is the one who totally believe the voices that yell at us. So I keep feeling undeserving and worthless -- and hiopeless, cynical, on the adult side. Sometimes an adult "I" can talk to her -- that is my big accomplishment this year -- telling her this is my parents' stuff and we don't have to listen to them any more. But the best I can do at times like that is to drop expectations of doing something, just cry or sleep, and it's better afterward.

BUT it KEEPS coming up! over and over!!! And I keep hating being me.

This all got started (the latest intense version) because I have been undertaking doing something I really wanted to do, and I am sometimes doing it, and the rest of the time I am *paying* for it. Out of fear of rejection and being left alone, believing no one wants to hear the real me. Exhausting and frustrating. And so many challenges I still haven't faced.

Well, thank you for listening. I know some of you understand, even though you don't have answers either. I am angry and sick of being patient and taking it one day at a time and watching the days of my f***g life go by like this (feeling old). Thank you for your patience.

Deborah and angry ones of DDD's

Hi, I don't have answers but cried when I read your post because I feel the same way right. I do have a few people that "say" they are there for me but constantly doubt them. My support network is pressuring me to go to hospital. I love my people, they saved my life but why can't I just be normal? I feel you!!!

[Elizabethn]

Howdy long time no see! I am glad you're back and posting.

[Blue]

Yo. I constantly wanna jump into another body. Where I can be in control. I feel very outta control right now. I feel for ya.

[MakersDozn]

Hi from Joseph to Deborah and DDDs! And we are glad to see you here. And we are sorry you are feeling fed up. And this is a good place to talk about it. Cuz people here understand inside people stuff.

And we never wanted to go into someone else's body but that is what you feel and it is okay to feel what you feel. And I am wondering if Scared Debbie is allowed to come and talk here. Cuz maybe that would help. And she could make friends with other kids here.

Joseph