Connecting in the Singleton World

[MakersDozn]

Living as a multiple in a singleton world can be challenging, to say the least. If we develop a good support system (MM, other forums, therapist, etc.), we have people to turn to when we need to talk about these challenges.

But we still have to live in a singleton world, and we're still multiples in this world, and our experience of self(ves) and of life is vastly different from that of singletons.

How do you reach out to others knowing that their experience and perspective are so different from your own? How do you balance the basic human need for interaction and companionship with the fact that most people will never understand what your life is like and what you go through?

Our system struggles mightily with this issue. We usually feel isolated, or at best, like a Martian among Earthlings, who have no knowledge or ability to relate.

How do you deal with this issue?

MDs

[The People]

We all have differences whether we are in a group of monominds or 1 among many singletons. I have always connected with people by looking for what we have in common. We like certain types of movies or books. We like to walk. We have enough in common that we can have a conversation. In time some of those conversations move to another level.We don't just talk about movies or restaurants we both like, we make plans to get together and do something. And so it progresses. Sometimes we have a new friend. At other times we have a friendly acquaintance. And sometimes we find out the person is a wack job.

[MakersDozn]

We've considered that approach--focusing on commonalities rather than differences. In theory it should work. But it doesn't work for us, for a couple of reasons.

First, we've never liked or wanted superficial relationships. We detest small talk. Unfortunately, because most relationships begin with small talk, our preference for deeper, more meaningful interaction eliminates the vast majority of opportunities to establish relationships. It's a catch-22.

Secondly, we have a strong need to be authentic. If we can't be who we are with people, we don't want a relationship with them. For one thing, it's a waste of our time and energy to put so much effort into something that will ultimately be unsatisfying for us.

And a large part of our identity is tied in with being multiple. We are many. We will always be many. It may not be this way for all multiples, or even most multiples, but it's who we are. All we want to do is be ourselves and live our life in a way that makes us happy. But in a world where we don't relate to most people and don't feel that they relate to us, it's hard to feel safe enough expressing or pursuing our needs.

MDs

[The People]

We are many and will always be many. I think the difference here may be that the personalities of the front runners is mostly extrovert. My sense is that yours is an introvert.

Another thing that has helped us in the past is activity based meetings. Joining a group that supports something we believe in. Since we stopped working we have done a lot of volunteer work. We have found that surface relationships are better than total isolation. We got a lot of energy when we worked and now that we are healing physically we go in search of that energy again. Not all volunteer positions worked out but some have. We also attend church and we are now working on the idea of setting up a 3D support group once we move AGAIN!. I think we try too hard and it turns some people away but if we don't keep trying we shrivel up.

[MakersDozn]

About 75 percent of us are introverts. The only two extraverts who are out often are Allegra and Joseph. All five bigs, plus Laura and david, are introverts, as are many others who don't post here.

We talked about this whole matter with our T last night. This issue is part of a whole intertwined bundle of issues that involve self-image and expectations. We know when we get in our own way and why. And we're working on it.

Thanks,

MDs

[Cammy]

Relating to others is often hard. I try to think of the fact that everyone regardless of whether they are multiple or monominded are all experiencing their lives from their own unique perspectives - perspectives that we can never really fully appreciate as we do not live inside their minds. I was often intrigued by the science fiction notion of the Vulcan mind meld. Such a technique would really be the only way that human beings could truly experience the mind nad perspective of another individual. I often thought that if a monomind ever melded with a multiple, they would probably be screaming to be let out within a few minutes.

It is basic human nature to want to be understood by another human being. In our case, we have an uphill struggle often just understanding ourselves and the varied perspectives of our multiple selves. I have reached out to monominds before, not via disclosure, but generally with a common experience as the basis for contact. People seem to gravitate towards me when they are experiencing psychological upheaval, and on this basis I can establish trust, rapport, and even sometimes begin forging a fruitful relationship. I suppose I try and look for commonalities in experience in order to reach out and relate. While much of my experience is alien to the monomind, it does not mean that there cannot be many things that do exist upon common ground. Yet, I find that the need for isolation seems to be much more prevalent than it is for the monominded population. Too many triggers when people are involved it seems, hence the need for a lot of restorative alone time.

One more aspect of DID that may also produce a sense of apartness is the fact that many multiples are either above average or genius IQs. This in itself has a tendency to produce viewpoints and perspectives that are outside the norm. Unfortunately the high IQ may well be the engine that drove the mind to build such a sophisticated coping mechanism in the first place, and possessing a high IQ is frequently an isolating experience. Double whammy.

[MakersDozn]

Yes, Igraine, we agree. We grew up watching the original Star Trek and remember the Vulcan Mind Meld. We always thought it was an interesting concept, although accomplishing it probably has its benefits and its drawbacks. We could theoretically understand the other person, yet at the same time we would be exposing our own vulnerabilities.

Of course, the Vulcan Mind Meld isn't possible, but the process of relating to others is still rooted in the same benefits and drawbacks. We/MDs need to get to the point where we can start to take safe risks.

Thanks,

MDs

[rainbows]

YES ! this is VERY TRUE ! (the part Igraine wrote about some of us having above avrge IQs )
Very Difficult for many of us to participate in normal conversations for very long.
Not only do we find ourselves finishing their sentences ( Inside) and wishing they would hurry up and say what
we already know they are on the way to saying, but also it is extremely Exhausting to keep all but one Part
Forward. Persons NOTICE if we begin to speak/act differently. The longest we can usually manage is
one hour - more or less a few minutes.

If we MUST be around 3D persons it helps to have an Inside Meeting and ask who,appropriate to the situation,
will Volunteer to be back-up when the Part Foreward can no longer maintain.

It is very Lonely sometimes. We always have a good Fantasy Adventure book we can Escape into.

from rainbows
to be Foreward and who will be back ups in case more than an hour passes.

[rainbows]

*****

Posts: 34
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2012
#8
RE: Connecting in the Singleton World
YES ! this is VERY TRUE ! (the part Igraine wrote about some of us having above avrge IQs )
Very Difficult for many of us to participate in normal conversations for very long.
Not only do we find ourselves finishing their sentences ( Inside) and wishing they would hurry up and say what
we already know they are on the way to saying, but also it is extremely Exhausting to keep all but one Part
Forward. Persons NOTICE if we begin to speak/act differently. The longest we can usually manage is
one hour - more or less a few minutes.

If we MUST be around 3D persons it helps to have an Inside Meeting and ask who,appropriate to the situation,
will Volunteer to be back-up when the Part Forward can no longer maintain.

It is very Lonely sometimes. We always have a good Fantasy Adventure book we can Escape into.

from rainbows

[MakersDozn]

Yes, it's exhausting. Especially at meetings at work. We find our mind wandering, which is of course dissociation. And this seems like we're doing something unhealthy, or at least that we're not being as present/good/cooperative as our co-workers are. But then we look around and see them checking their smartphones, doodling, whatever, and we know that we're not the only one who doesn't want to be there.

MDs

[The People]

I think the experience with Monominds differs depending on how your core functions. Introvert or extrovert. We are extrovert by nature. When the body was small and the core person was still around we visited the neighbours and talked their ears off Always wanting to meet new people.

Things changed rapidly in Jr. High for a umber of reasons. Anxiety was the biggest part of it. That and depression but anxiety keeps us from living the life we were meant to live. Sometimes we control it but sometimes it ropes us like a cowboy lassoing a lamp post.

[rainbows]

MDs, Thank you. We think it is Wonderful that yous have been having a Job for a long time.
The longest we could ever keep the same Job was one year.
We are thinkin that on the Multie Spectrum or bell curve ?? we are at the place where it is the least able
to function well.

The People, Thank You. Yes you are right we think but the only semblance of "Host" we have ever found
is a tiny Part who was mostly in a Coma and heavily Guarded for most of our life.
The consistency when this Body was Child was chaos,confusion,never knowing what we are supposed to do
and never knowing what direction attack would come from next.
School - nitemare.
"Home" - Nitemare.
But after thrown out of"Home" we all worked together to survive in the World.
All of our 3 Systems,all our Parts, we are our Family now.
Just keep goin right ?
from rainbows

[MakersDozn]

Yes, rainbows, we just keep going.

And The People, we agree that it makes a difference whether a person is an introvert (like us) or an extravert.

MDs