Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

Today is April 16th. I am safe. Something started up extra special anxiety panic attacks for us today. Sometimes it takes so very little. So extra meds were needed. We're so glad we got the six extra pills or this would have been the end of the meds for two days. Uncle in hospital, Aunt in nursing home with phone calls coming and going about medical decisions I need to make on everyone's behalf, then the nice fat tax bill...add a little worry about ourselves to the mix and poof, instant escalation of panic issues. The bottle says, "Take as needed as directed". I'm cool with that - that allows a margin for unexpected bad days. I don't like it when the bottle says, "Take as needed to a max of three per day". Most days three is okay, but sometimes it is not okay. I need room to maneuver and to know I can treat this as per the needs of the illness. Three per day scares us a bit. Would if we have three four-pill days? Then what? No refill for one whole day? 24 hours of hell because we did what had to be done? No. I'm going to make sure the next bottle reads "Take as needed". It's the only way this will realistically be able to work for us. Such little details have such large implications for those of us whose sanity depends on access to little white pills. And we only ever 'take as needed', it's just that those needs fluctuate from day to day. It's the nature of this ugly beast. I'll be asleep soon and what a relief that will be...sleep to be away from all of this only to wake up crying knowing another day of it must be lived through, again.
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I am a Peer Support moderator on a depression forum for a large international psychology company. My clients always comment on how positive and 'together' I seem. If only they knew the truth. I am a mess most days and struggle just to keep myself from totally losing it. This forum is the ONLY place where I can express what's really happening with me. Without MM I don't know what I'd do or where I'd turn. We need to be what we are somewhere or we will come apart in tiny pieces that rain down like dust in a moldy attic. Thank you MM. You are essential to my very survival.