Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

First of all know that I am safe. I'm just having another difficult day and simply need to express the feelings. No one need even comment or reply...that's okay, it's the expression that I need right now.

Woke up in mystery tears again. Seems to happen about once a week or so. Such intense grief and pain washes over me that it obliterates everything and becomes the only reality. It always feels like this is where I have always been and this is where I'll always stay. I'm not even sure WHO is feeling this way, or if it is a kind of chorus of more than one.

Today a voice came. Told me to pull it together. I asked who the voice was, told it to identify itself. It just kept saying, "I am in you". I really insisted on identification. It told me that it was the Voice of Reason - that it was the cumulation of all my logical and critical thinking abilities. I told it that it sounded more like an internal critic than anything else. I also told it that I don't go around obeying every unidentified voice that happens to pop into my head. It's been quiet ever since. I still don't know who/what that was, but at least I got it to leave me in my misery in peace.

22+ years on Zoloft and now I'm on my own handling feelings. And with feelings, memories. The feelings that were never felt at the time the memories were made are now expressing themselves as if events just happened. So much grief, horrible grief that never was felt. All I can do is cry and hold on and know that in 24 hours or less I'll feel better. There is a mountain of this kind of thing to process. And as I weep, I hear other voices saying really unhelpful things like "do you know how funny and stupid your face looks like when you cry? Ha ha, if you could just see how stupid you look." other thoughts wander in..."Only pretty people are allowed to cry because they can still cry and look pretty doing it."

Then I start reliving Sept 11th. I was a fire fighter for 22 years and was at work watching the tv the day that this all happened. TODAY the grief finally hit me full force.

So after several hours of it, I cave in, take a prescribed benzodiazepine and wait for tomorrow to start off better, which it usually does.