"The Farm" & Return to "The Farm" ****Medical talk included****

[Katz Krew]

Don't remember if I ever explained my disappearance from MM and wish to do so now. Forgive me if it's a repeat. My memory is still quite a challenge.

Ok, so the reason "we" dropped off the grid as far as MM is concerned is that in 2003 a spider bite on the back of my knee turned g*ngrene and the infection put me into a coma. I was in the coma for 4 1/2mos. When I woke up I had to go to a rehab ("The Farm") then into nursing home (also "The Farm") to learn how to walk all over again. While I was in the nursing home I decided to have my hips completely replaced. I had had hips issues since I was 11. The did the right hip inn Sept of 05. The did the left in Feb 06. When I was a kid I had had a staph infection in my left hip...I thought I had gotten rid of it when I was a kid but it had actually gone dormant. The new surgery in 06 on that hip reactivated that infection and they had to take out the replacement and put in a cement block (to keep the space open for when they would redo the surgery). I was a year on extremely strong IV anti-biotics before the infection left me completely. They redid the hip in Feb 07 and I moved back home to my dad's in May 07. It was a long hard haul that I'm very glad is behind me. In either 08 or 09 I met the T that would make me realize that it was ok to *I* and so I did.

Well, on 7/7th a very close friend & soul sister of mine, at age 42, had a mild stroke. She was finally moved to a rehabilitation facility today....you guessed it, one I had been in right after emerging from the coma. Oye Vey. I went to visit her today. It was hard going back there. This was a place that had to take pictures of my surgery scar on my hip....I was very confused when I got to this place and not entirely present in my body. The nurse taking the pic was a male and it freaked us/me out very badly. All I really remember is his very unkempt beard. This is a place I actually went to at least two times during my nursing home days. The 2nd time I was sent here they assigned me that same male nurse! ARGH!!! Fortunately, I was more with it the 2nd time around and so told them I wanted to be reassigned....gratefully they honored this request. I have to say that while I was visiting her tonight I kept thinking he was gonna come up behind me or something. It was very weird. It was good in a healing way in that I knew I could leave and I was ONLY visiting. But my heart broke for my friend....I KNOW how hard those places are and I can't stand that she's in it. She's concerned about having to go to a nursing home. She was also multiple at one point in her life but has *I*d.

It was hard to visit her in the hospital (I spent so much of my life in one for various physical reasons) but it was very o.o (o.o is supposed to be my anxious face but IDK how to do that one) heart pounding to visit her in the rehab. I don't know what to do if she goes into a nursing home! Ik I'll visit her (in nursing home) but this is freaking me out quite a lot more than I expected. The worse part is I KNOW how bad these places are and I want to shield her from the loneliness, pain, boredom, helplessness, hopelessness, etc and feel I need to visit her just about every day. She says she understands I can't be there every day but it breaks my heart thinking I'm turning my back on her by not visiting. Does that make sense? IDK what to do. It's a half hour drive to get to the facility and it's hard to sit in the uncomfortable chair and stare at her and her visitors. I feel like if I don't visit her every day I'm actually not visiting "me" if that makes any sense--like I'm turning my back on myself. I remember sooo vividly how lonely these places are....it makes me want to cry each time I see her. This is shaking me a bit more than I'm comfortable with.

Thanks for listening. I am open to any and all feedback though I realize it's just something I need to work out for myself too....it's kinda hard to have an answer to the unasked question I've created here.....namely am I a bad person for not wanting to visit her? God I remember how bad it was to know I would only see my dad once a week or every other week.....and basically not have visitors at all. It's

swear word

f*ck*ng

depressing as all get out.

My heart is breaking and I'm incredibly sad and quite anxious right now.

<3
Jamie for Katz Krew

[mosaic]

wow Jamie, that is a lot to have gone through! going to places like that can be very stressful, even without having had your experiences - it's a struggle to visit my hubby's mom who is in a nursing home because it is so depressing

let me say this: you are NOT a bad person because you struggle with going there. you are very normal, IMVHO.

please be kind to yourself. maybe you can call your friend on the phone in lieu of a visit so she knows she is not alone? then you can still make the contact - and be able to visit in person as well, but not feel like you're abandoning her between visits? just a thought

[Katz Krew]

Thank you Mosaic. I knew I was beating myself up but couldn't seem to stop myself which is why I posted about it. It just feels like I'm letting myself down cause I just don't want to be there.

I txt my friend through out the day. Her speech is still a bit slurred but I noticed that she can use the phone a little bit. It's also hard to know I "hear" her voice in my head as her old, normal self when I read her texts but when we verbally speak it's hard to see her struggling to speak "normal". It's heartbreaking however I look at it. Very depressing and sad.

Thanks for the pep talk. I truly appreciate it.

<3
Jamie for Katz Krew