Giving up
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Allofus11plus Offline
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#1
Giving up
What do you do when you feel like just giving up? I feel like there's just no hope. My T and I have started uncovering the memories more and starting trauma work with each person inside but it is sooooo hard. I don't know if I can do this I just don't feel like it's ever gonna get any easier. What do I do I just hate myself and hate my life!
Lisa
02-28-2015, 02:10 AM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#2
RE: Giving up
Hi Lisa. I was at this same spot just a couple of days ago. It is very hard especially when you don't see hope.
We have also started talking about trauma and it helps to go slow. I was ready to quit and throw in the towel. I convinced myself that how I am living now is much better than what was happening to me when the talking started. I sat in that place for awhile and just let myself quit. I guess for me knowing that there will always be a choice and it is my choice to make helps in some way.
But then it passed and I got back up and could think about going through it instead of running from it. To be honest the pause button is still on it because it is so hard.
But I do believe you have the strength and strength to do this is in ALL of us.......it is just finding out how to access it.
I have certain phrases or words that help me-like inspirational things. I don't know if this will work for you or not but it helps us.
I am sorry you are going through this and sending you blue flowers.
Tangled
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
02-28-2015, 03:25 AM
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Allofus11plus Offline
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#3
RE: Giving up
Everyone keeps telling me to take it one day at a time but I want to know for how long. How long do I have to dread waking up and going through another day. Tangled; how long did this last for you? And what do I do when one of us keeps pushing away everyone in my support system? I feel like it is just easier to give up because how do I know this will ever get better? How does anyone? I have separated my feeling from the trauma and since we connected some I have been like this just hopeless and giving up. I can't stop feeling all the hurt and pain, what if I'm not strong enough. What if im not meant to get through this...whatever that looks like. Will I ever be able to function normally at work or have a successful relationship and family because right now I am in complete and utter chaos. ?
02-28-2015, 08:29 PM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#4
RE: Giving up
WOW I could of wrote that exact same post word for word! I have the same things go through my mind ALL the time. I repeatedly ask those same questions..........

I do have some answers--but let me warn you they are probably not what you want to hear, I know this because when I first heard them it was definitely not what I wanted to hear. Now everyone is different and these things might not apply to you at all so take whatever you want that is useful from this and leave the rest.
How long do I have to dread waking up and going through another day--There are times I can honestly say that this comes and goes for me. I am just barely existing in my life. I go to work and come home and that is all I can manage to do. There have been times when I wake up in the morning and very disappointed that I am still here, but I get out of bed and go to work because there is nothing else I can do. I don't self injure anymore and suicide is not an option so I get up and go through the motions. I stuff the feelings of dread-so how long you ask--as long as it takes I guess. I don't think there is a time frame or if their is I haven't been able to figure it out. I am told it will take as long as it takes and trust me I was SO NOT impressed by that answer but it is true. This didn't happen overnight to us--it happened over years and years so it makes sense that it is going to take awhile to heal. It is what we do in that time--especially the really difficult and hard times that counts. For example I feel a lot of fear and don't function well when I don't feel safe. Words I tell myself that I am safe and all the locks on my doors and windows don't really provide me comfort like I thought they would. I had to find out what would or does help me feel safe. For me cuddling with my purple bear and wrapped up tight in my warm fuzzy blanket helps me feel safe. It works. That is something you might try looking into-figuring out how you feel and what would help you.
what do I do when one of us keeps pushing away everyone in my support system? I don't have an answer for this one. I don't really have a support system other than talking to people on here and to my T. I am not really sure how your support system works for you and never have been really good a creating one of those. For me the risk has always been to much but I am hoping that with you maybe if you told them that when things are making you struggle your defenses are kicking in and it might seem like we are pushing you away but this is not our intent and we need you to not go away no matter how hard it feels like we are pushing you away. Maybe that might work. I don't know......You don't have to go into great detail just let whomever know how much you need them if you are able.
how do I know this will ever get better? well that is where we have go on blind faith. That is all I have for that answer.........I am not much of a blind faith type of person but I trust my T and she tells me it will get better so I hold onto that and question it ALL the time and she answers me ALL the time with it will get better.
I have separated my feeling from the trauma and since we connected some I have been like this just hopeless and giving up. I can't stop feeling all the hurt and pain-I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is an extremely awful place to be in. I also have disconnected from the feelings of the trauma. Recently I connected to something that was completely unexpected for me. I honestly thought I was going to die and no one would find me for weeks or even months. I had no idea that letting one of my others have their feelings while I was present would be like that for me-It was like the gates of hell had opened up and swallowed me whole.
BUT as horrible as that was for me and still is I did realize that it didn't kill me. I got through it. And yes it is still very much there but I chose not to have it as my main focus all the time. Yes it does creep up on me and affects the way I function but I will be damned if I will let them destroy me. So you asked what if I'm not strong enough, a question I ask myself daily........and now I have an clear example to look back on and have an answer for that question--yes I am strong enough and I believe you are also. Connecting to the feelings of trauma has been the most difficult thing I can honestly say I have ever experienced in my life. BUT I survived it. I survived it back then and I survived it now and that is proof I do have the strength within me and I believe you do have the strength within you also. Now I don't plan on uncovering any more of those dreadful feelings anytime soon and that is ok. You need to give yourself permission to recoup from it and that is ok to say we need to stop digging up memories or whatever it is and just find ways to stabilize yourself. I shut down-that is what I do and focus on just functioning. I am not suggesting this is a good thing to do or that this is what you should do because I know it has many drawbacks BUT it works for me and right now until I find another way- I do what I know that works for me.
Something a little more healthier to do is find the simple joys in things. I find this a hard one to do but I do enjoy fragrant candles and light them throughout my house. I like doing puzzles of nature scenes on the computer and that can keep my mind busy for hours. I get in cooking modes and cook a bunch of things at once and freeze them. Taste and smell are a good distraction and let you know that there are good things in the world for me. You need to find those things that make you feel good and try to surround yourself with them.
The chaos will ease and stability will happen this I do know. It just takes time and figuring out how to make it happen because sitting around and waiting for it to just magically appear (which I am in NO WAY saying this is what you are doing) doesn't work because trust me this is something I HAVE done!
I hope this has helped. Take gentle of yourselves-you are worth it!
Tangled
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
02-28-2015, 09:59 PM
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nats Offline
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#5
RE: Giving up
agreeing with Tangled. this stuff is HARD and seems to take FOREVER, whether you're working hard on it like Tangled or repressing and ignoring like us - it's always there to some extent because it's part of your life. however, it does get better if you face it and work on it and it takes as long as it takes you to accept and work through fear b/c fear and pain are at the heart of this stuff and some people are faster and some slower at acceptance.

the one sure thing is it will take longer than you expect and there's rarely some magical moment of 'cure.' it just gets better bit by bit and at some point you notice it.

in the meantime, taking time for simple joys really makes all the diff for many of us.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
03-02-2015, 09:29 AM
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The People Offline
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#6
RE: Giving up
Sadly nobody can tell you how long. Because I don't think there is an answer. For example, I have a scar on my leg due to inept manufacturing of a product that I bumped into. Wasn't my fault but it happened and trying to hide it or undo that day is impossible. I have to live with it. It sucks. But it s not the end of me. Since the injury and resulting stitches happened a lot of healing has taken place. Not enough that the mark disappears but enough that it only itches once in a while.

The same goes with my past. When I was where you are I asked the same question. When does it end? Nobody gave me answers. Years later it has not ended but I don't wake up every day waiting for another memory to take over my day. I still have an occasional flashback but they no longer control me. I have learned to control them. And I have taught myself to focus away from it in order to see the good things in life. Things that I take pride in like the exercise I started again last summer after several years of physical health issues. My writing. And other things that make my life feel more normal.

Can someone tell you that the memories will stop and you will wake up one day all better like one might do when they have had the flu? Sorry but no. However, you will wake up and smile because the sun is shining or because you watch a little child get excited over the dog licking her face or whatever else it is that makes you smile.

I seriously encourage you to take up a new hobby. Do you draw well? And drawing nice things not childhood messes. Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Running? BTW when I exercise I feel more in control of my body. I feel as if I am reclaiming it. I don't run as my body isn't keen on it but I am a hard walker with good upper body strength. I will guess that, based on my own experience none of this feels at all appealing right now. Do it anyway. It is like getting a well deserved treat, finding a focus that has nothing to do with what goes on in T, and after T and before T. At first it might only last for 5 minutes but with practice the times between the darkness will grow longer and longer, like when we move fro winter to summer.

My last thought s brought on by my kitty ordering me to pay attention to her. If you are in the position to do so, get a pet. A rescue pet preferably. They will love you as long as they are there and it feels so good to bring home an animal that had no life outside of a cage. Mine snuggles with me nightly and is wonderful grand.

I hope this doesn't feel like a lecture but I have been dealing with non-dark times stuff and it is frustrating in a different way. I wish you well and look forward to the day when I come here and see the words "I had a good day today!"
03-02-2015, 06:18 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#7
Friendship/Support  RE: Giving up
Agreeing with everyone else who responded. We don't have the energy to think or say more, but we wanted to show our empathy and support.

MDs
03-08-2015, 07:39 PM
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