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Grief.....MT - Tangled Web - 09-12-2013
I have been debating where to put this post because I know it fits on a couple of other boards but this is where I decided…. I wanted it go here. I will be talking about death and grief which may trigger some people.
Well first to give you some background information. My dad died 3 years ago. I was one of the people who was quite fortunate actually because I only had a good memories of my father. The dad I knew was encouraging to me and loved nature and fishing and laughing and sitting out by the fires at night and camping and swimming in the lake. He taught me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it and worked hard. I had a lot of great memories of him.
Well that started to change. I had started to get know some of the others inside better and would hear their stories and I felt so bad for them that their dad could be so cruel and hurtful. I never in a million years would have believed that it was the same dad I had known. That sent me spinning and once I got up I came back fighting like hell, denying that it was the same person and refusing to believe it. I ended up hating our old T for doing this to me and blamed her for destroying me. I ended up being so lost and confused. I didn’t know how to feel anymore. I did know there was no way I could deny what the others had said about my dad anymore because of the things that had happened. So I was crushed. It felt like it wasn’t ok to have my feelings about my dad anymore so I shut down. How could I love a man like that anymore? I became so bitter and cold and basically fell off the face of the earth. The younger ones inside saw what was happening to me and they stopped talking, but it was too late. I had learned the truth. I wasn’t able to grieve for my father, I wasn’t able to hold onto my good feelings I had for him any longer.
So now I have come back to talk to this new T and I am learning so much. I am learning it is ok to grieve for the man that I knew. It is ok to hate him also. It is ok to love him too. Not too sure how I feel about the love thing right now…..but I do know I am feeling. I am finally grieving or trying to after all this time. There is so much loss……so many things I have lost. And so much I am angry about. But this week I learned about my anger how it is different from the “normal” anger you feel when it is tied to grief. This grief anger makes you cry, makes you hurt. That is a very new feeling to me. My new T has been there for us and has been so supportive and she is teaching me so much. I find myself actually believing her when she answers my questions or when she tells me it ok to think this way or feel this way………So we have been away for awhile because this not only effects me but others inside also……..and they are giving me the time to grieve and to have the feelings I have and make peace with myself and the others I have hurt in this process. I am still learning new things and still dealing with things but at least I have been heard and although this really, really, really, really, really sucks………….it is starting to make sense to me and be ok.
Thanks for listening.
Laura
RE: Grief.....MT - MakersDozn - 09-13-2013
Hi, Laura,
Feelings can be so complicated. We're glad that you feel comfortable enough to talk about all of this here. And we're glad that your T is helping you.
Sitting and listening,
MDs
RE: Grief.....MT - Tangled Web - 09-13-2013
Thanks MDs.
This is such a struggle for me. I think everything I ever believed was all based on lies. My father was not who he appeared to be. Not to me any ways.
I keep thinking how could he???????How could he do those things?????????????
I truly thought he loved me. He was the one person I thought loved me.
I keep asking the questions........but don't want to hear the answers. I don't want hear any excuses, because that is all they are to me right now. To me there are no reasons.........no excuses.....
My T tells me that how he was with me maybe wasn't based on lies or that they don't have to be lies.....how can they NOT be lies?
And why does grief anger have to hurt so much. I just want to be angry without feeling like crying. It feels like the rules have changed or something............
Thanks again for responding MDs and sitting and listening to me.
Laura