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freakin' out some (maybe more than some) - Dreamscapes Collectives - 07-14-2012

tomorrow my oldest kid flies out to Caltech for a month for some freshman seminar. we live in Texas. California is very much NOT close. I can't go to the airport tomorrow for so many reasons. which makes me feel like a sh*tty mom. I should be able to ignore every freakin' thing going on and go with my kid. And I can't... Not to mention that tomorrow is my youngest's b-day and party at his Nana and Oompah's house (my parents). we are so f*ck*d up...

why the hell did all the freaking out wait till tonight? Huh I've known this was coming for weeks! Those of us who aren't moms are jealous as all get out 'cuz we didn't get to do this when we were his age, no matter the reasons. Those of us who ARE moms? we're worried, we're scared, we keep fighting tears....we have no anti-anxiety meds....

I know in my head that we'll make it through this just like everything else. But...two days ago he gave me a HUG (the kid who HATES hugs), a REAL hug, AND let my daughter take a picture (I promised him it would NOT end up on facebook) for crying out loud. That tells me he loves more than if he actually said it.

why do kids have to grow up? :*(

mostly the moms

RE: freakin' out some (maybe more than some) - mosaic - 07-15-2012

it is a major transition when our kids start to leave the nest. what i tried my hardest to remember was that my job as a mom was to help my kids grow to be able to make it when they leave home... and it sounds like you've done a good job on that count.

and the worry etc tells me you are a good mom - who cares a lot about your kids.

i hear that you have expectations for how you should be feeling/acting at this time and it sounds like you are
because you are feeling/acting differently than you want... we have done that to ourselves so much - it's hard to accept that what we feel is what we feel when it isn't what we think we should be feeling.

i'm rambling now, huh. we hear you.

RE: freakin' out some (maybe more than some) - MakersDozn - 07-15-2012

Hi DC folks....we don't have outside kids, so we can't say that we know how you feel. But we hear you.


mixed feelings.... - Dreamscapes Collectives - 07-15-2012

well, he made it to California safely and made it to Caltech safely. He sent a picture of his room for the month. it's small but he gets it to himself.

He said that no one had warned him what take off and touchdown were gonna feel like and that made him nervous but otherwise the flight was okay.

I think this is going to be the beginning of a rough time for us. When they were little the fact that we didn't remember much from our childhood made it hard sometimes to figure out how to react in a situation, but we knew enough to know we didn't want to react as our parents did.

Now...their lives are branching farther from anything we went through and we have no idea how to react. We don't have the same ruler for when they were little because we didn't do anything like going to college, moving away from the family, etc. so we find ourselves kind of flailing not sure how we're supposed to act, react, so far. and it really HURTS us to know that all three kids want to get far away from Texas. Rationally I know this has nothing to do with how they feel about me, but emotionally...something in me just wants to hang on to them and not let them go. Sad

I think that's what's causing so much freak out among people.

I'm proud of him, I'm happy for him. most of the negative feelings are about how *I/we* are reacting to this. we feel like we're being selfish and undermining what he worked so hard for. Sad

thanks mosaic, MDs, for the replies. it helps to know we're being heard...


RE: freakin' out some (maybe more than some) - Tangled Web - 07-15-2012

I can relate to this very well. It was easier to do the opposite of what was done to me in raising my son most of the time but when he got older and chose his own path..........I was like a fish out of water and even now to this day I still feel that way. He will ask me things and I find my mouth open and nothing comes out. I don't know what to tell him. I do hear you and I try to tell him what I would of wanted to be is just hard to have that conviction behind your words and his responses are to my answers are getting more challenging because I am always quick to answer why people can be so mean and cruel and if I feel he is being taken advantaged of expressing my opinion about that...........and he looks at me and says mom.......have you ever trusted anyone in this world? That makes me sad.

RE: freakin' out some (maybe more than some) - MakersDozn - 07-16-2012

ShayRisa....glad he let you know that he's doing okay.

We didn't realize that his stay there would be for a whole month. Our freshman orientation was just for a weekend. Obviously your son's event is more extensive.


RE: mixed feelings.... - orek - 07-29-2012

but we knew enough to know we didn't want to react as our parents did.

... and it really HURTS us to know that all three kids want to get far away from Texas. Rationally I know this has nothing to do with how they feel about me, but emotionally...

... we feel like we're being selfish and undermining what he worked so hard for. Sad


Hi, ShayRisa--I'm so glad he got there okay. We don't have outside kids either, but we've been in our partner's kids since they were 11, 13, and 15, some 20 years ago now. And I often have felt in dealing with them that I have no frame of reference since we can't recall our childhood. But not wanting to pass on the toxic parenting of our parents is a huge, huge thing. Some people are never self-aware and instead simply continue the dysfunctional cycles. You aren't doing that.

I remember one saying that stuck with me, something about needing to provide your kids with "roots to grow and wings to fly." It sure seems you all have done that. Your son has both the confidence and the initiative to explore his world. You should be proud of yourselves, too, that he felt ready to go off for a month, flying across the country on this scary, exciting new adventure. (And, hey, as a west coaster, I have to say he's making a very good decision as far as location. You'll love visiting him! Wink

I don't read anything that sounds selfish. Feeling the pain of kids moving away is perfectly normal. Absolutely, totally normal. Please don't be so hard on yourselves. Instead, pat yourselves on the back for a job well done and allow yourselves some extra self-nurturing, knowing that this is a hard transition, and a scary one since it's deeply encoded in you as a mother and long been your job to keep your son safe, and now he's taking that ginormous step of independence where he is becoming responsible for his own safety, becoming an adult. Gack! Necessary, normal, healthy, but freakin' scary. I hope you can find ways to soothe and support yourselves through it.

Take care.--orek